Highly Improbable

coulda woulda shoulda

2012-01-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

My mind is full of things that can never be. The coulda woulda shouldas have moved in making me think of things that I should have done, what would have happened if we did this instead, Should we have made other choices.
Truth is,,,,,
I cant change anything that I have done or didn't do. I have to know in my heart that Mom knew that I loved her and I know that she loved me. We both understood the circumstances of her life and we worked around them so that she would be the most comfortable.
As far as second guessing Moms final days. I suppose everyone goes through this. What would have happened if we did this instead or that or something else.
Truth is,,,,
There is nothing different that could be done. The tests, the facts, the Dr's, many Dr's reading and rereading the results of test after test. Moms body wouldn't have been able to handle any kind of feeding tube. Everything in her stomach was ending up in her lungs. The CAT scan of her brain and all the damage mostly to the right side and the way that the blood killed the brain cells.
But those nagging questions remain in my head.
Mostly because I wanted a different outcome.
Mostly because I really wasn't ready for Mom to leave us.
But I know the truth and eventually the coulda woulda shouldas will pass.
It's just another phase that I have to go through.
Doesn't make it easier, but I know all the second guessing doesn't change the facts.

I need an assistant

2012-01-30T08:24:00.000-07:00

For some reason I have been really good at writing down on sticky notes what I need to do....

The problem is I fail in the execution....

Even when the list is in front of me.....

Mom

2012-01-28T20:47:00.002-07:00

Mom was rushed to the Hospital on January 8th. I didn't know for a couple of hours because Tammy refused to call me. When I got there The Dr. said that she has a bleeding stroke on the left side of her brain in front about the size of a golf ball. She was admitted to the ER and we were told at that time that this kind of stroke is untreatable. Mom was conscious when admitted and she was scared to be there. I think that she knew then that she would never leave. (I found out later that she tried to hide from Tami and she didn't want to go to the hospital. She ate some lunch and then made her bed before she would allow Tami to take her.) I stayed until 9 and then went home. I stopped by the next morning before work to see her and she was still alert. She would not cooperate with the Dr's in any way and only looked at me when they came in. She couldn't follow any of the directions that the Dr. would give. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she didn't have the fight left in her to recover from this. She couldn't talk or move when directed. She was unable to control her swallowing even at this point so they were unable to feed her or allow her anything to drink. They had a 24hr watch on her because in the night she tried to get out of bed and she ripped off her monitoring wires.
We were told at this time that her recovery would be hard. That she may never be able to go home again and that she would have to live in a facility that could handle her needs.
I was at work Tuesday when the nurse called me to say that Mom had a severe seizure and that it didn't look good. I went to the hospital. Mom was not awake, They said that she was sleeping from all the anti seizure medication, Monday was the last time I was able to look into her eyes. I held her hand on Tuesday and she squeezed back so hard it turned my fingers purple. At this point she was still there, inside her head and knowing that I was there but unable to open her eyes. That evening Tami later told me that Mom was in a lot of pain and couldn't lay still. She was scared and conscious when Tami was there overnight. By the time I got there Wed at 9am she was sleeping.. The nurse in charge said that when she gave her a bath in the morning she was alert and smiled at her.. That is the last time she interacted with anyone.. The last time she smiled or looked someone in the eye.. When the Dr. came in and examined her he ordered another CAT scan. The results showed that she suffered another spontaneous bleed on the right side of her brain. The side that controls everything that we do as for as motor skills. And this one was massive. The Dr. Called for a family meeting, Traci was flying in from Missouri that night and a meeting was scheduled for the following day. I asked him once again about a feeding tube but he said that since she is aspirating on just her stomach fluids that she wouldn't be able to handle the feeding tube. Tracy got to the hospital right at 7pm. Right at change of shift for the nurses, you see they don't allow visitors from 7 to 9. I knew when they allowed us to stay in her room and brought us a comfort cart that they already knew what we would find out at the meeting.
Thursday we all gathered in the meeting room in front of the team of Dr's, nurses and a social worker. We were told that her bleeds were massive and that she could not survive this. As Moms Advanced directive stated, and her personal physician attested to.... Mom did not want to be kept alive with artificial means if it was just going to prolong her comatose state. After many tears it was decided to go ahead with Comfort Care. The Hemorrhagic Strokes took away all of her abilities to function, Her Best case scenario would have been that she would be on a feeding tube, in a coma,... Not able to function in the most basic way. We all knew, including her physician that Mom did not want that.
As soon as a Comfort Care room was available she was moved upstairs. The rooms were more comfortable. At this point Mom has been there for 5 days. On this Thursday we all spent the night in her room.
Friday I went home and got cleaned up and later went back and stayed until Tami took over the night shift. There was no real changes in Mom that day.
Saturday we had them do another CAT scan to see if there was anymore damage. The results were the same. We still have to wait. Wait and watch her take each gasping breath.
Sunday was a bad day for Mom, We thought that it would be the day, There were so many changes in her skin and her breaths we thought for sure. It is a cruel brain that takes away all the things worth living for, all the things that we do, say, touch, feel and all our emotions. While the lower part of our brains, the part most protected continues on, forcing the slow death that happens with no sustenance, only morphine. How strong it is.. in this case too strong. Watching Mom slowing waste away in front of us is burned into my mind. The one thing she wanted to avoid at all costs. She had it planned that she would go out quick, but with weak veins from years of smoking and high blood pressure, she didn't count on this...

Subarachnoid Hemorrhage: A subarachnoid hemorrhage is bleeding into the space (subarachnoid space) between the inner layer (pia mater) and middle layer (arachnoid mater) of the tissue covering the brain (meninges). These occur more often in women than men and most are fatal. And with the outer brain dying, the part of the brain that make you,, well,, You. All that is left is the very strong and stubborn Brain stem. This is what is stopping her from finding peace.

Monday.. She rallied.. Her breaths were stronger her pulse strong, We needed to now plan on moving her to a Hospice house. I spent most of Tuesday with a migraine, I went up later in the day. Wednesday I was trying to get the banking and credit card cancelling done. I found out that my name was only on Mom checking account and not her other accounts so I had to use my power of attorney to transfer that money to her checking before she passed away or we would have to go into probate court to get to it. I cant remember which day that the Dr came in and showed us the CAT scan of Moms brain. The damage was massive, the bleed on the left was small and if that was the only one she could have suffered this, the one on the right covered more that 3/4 of her brain, and there was blood pooling the the spinal area, This was the one that was not survivable.. After seeing this we had more understanding of what was going on.
Wednesday evening Tracy and I were sitting with mom. Her on one side of the room and me on the other. I am sitting right by Mom... All at once I felt cold on only the left side of my body. I stood up looking for a draft but soon realized that there was no draft only one spot in the entire room that felt this way. Standing right next to Mom. It was colder than a draft cold, Cold like dry ice cold. But not in a scary way. I cant be sure on who it was.. Only that it was someone there. Standing by Mom. The next day Tami told us that she was hearing funny noises at the apartment, sounds she had never heard before, we realized that those sounds were at the same time that I felt the coldness. So Maybe it was Mom, looking at herself and then realizing that she couldn't go home. Or my Brother coming to take her across. Whichever way it was... It was there that night.

On Thursday I finished up with all the banking stuff and I found the nicest man to help us sign over the Mineral rights documents, We were also getting the paperwork done to take Mom to hospice care, Plans were made to make sure Tami was covered for the next couple months until she could work out a plan. Moms breathing was relaxed and her pulse still strong.

Friday... The moving day. We were all kinda edgy, I was more emotional than I usually am. Staring a lot, I took the time to look at Moms hands and her feet, they were now cold when yesterday they were sweaty, I couldn't be in the room when the hospice people came in to hook her up to their machines for the trip. The plan was to move her around 930am, we were still waiting for the ambulance at 1030..

I was sitting on the couch in the room, Tracy sitting beside Mom..

I was listening to mom breathe, it was quiet and more relaxed with a little gurgle to it. The last thing any of us wanted was to have to move her. But Medicare requires an exit plan if they are to pay the hospital bills. It was cold out but the sun was shining.

Mom generally never when out when it was this cold.

at 1040 Tracy and I heard her take her last breath.. A slow quiet breath, a weaker one and silence..

I took her hand and wished her safe travels, you are finally free. You are at peace.

I went into the hallway and got the attention of the nurse and she along with 4 others came in to verify time of death.

Mom didn't like going out in this kind of weather. There was no way she was going out that day.

The funny thing is I didn't want to be there when she passed away, but I was,, and in a way I am glad that I was. Tami wanted to be there and was relieved that she wasn't..

I think that Mom knew that too.

And waited for the right moment.

On a side note, the gal from the Hospice house later told us that around the time of Moms passing,,

her friend had her baby early than expected.

It's the way of the universe

I am hiding an addiction

2012-01-28T09:52:00.002-07:00

I love cedar boxes. all sizes all kinds. I like to touch them and hold them and would like to collect them.
My collection is small and out of sight. Each one given to me by my Mom, my Grandma or ones I have picked up when I was a young girl, I have small amounts of keepsakes in each one.
I have been looking for a larger cedar keepsake box to keep all my collectables in. No easy feat these days when the market is filled with crap from china or super cheap looking storage boxes.
So I turned to eBay. I found a couple of vintage cedar chests about the size I have been looking for (about 20ish +" by 10ish +" by whatever) and even though some are worn and scratched they still have more personality than anything I have found new. (I do love antique wood boxes) If I knew someone who did woodworking I would see how much one cost to make but I think it will be way over my $100.00 budget. So I will take my chance on eBay I guess. I just wish more were the "buy now" option. I dont like the auction thing.
I also tried Craigs list with no luck. I found some lane mini cedar boxes on Etsy, plus I think I will go to red lodge to see if they have any there. Im not a good antique store person. I would rather do it all on line.

On a lighter note

2012-01-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

I never really realized how badly I was brushing my teeth until I got an electric toothbrush. I bought one shortly after I got a teeth cleaning and they still feel dentist smooth after more than a month. I should have bought one years ago. I hurts when I use it when I have a migraine but my teeth like it.

I updated my will my power of attorney and my end of life registration. Now I just need to take it work to get it all notarized.

I have to clean the bathroom but I really dont want to yet. I think it can wait.

I have lost my donation sheet from Goodwill for my taxes. I donated 1/4 of all my belongings when I moved. Now I have nothing to prove it. Bummer.

Things that I thought were important a month ago mean nothing now.

I bought a pair of flannel jammer pants with otters all over them but they are too short. Bummer #2

I have been looking for a cedar memory chest on line.. I haven't found anything that I like yet that isn't $400.00.. I thought it would be easier to find a well made cedar box that isn't the size of a foot locker or look like one. I guess not.

I think Im exhausted now

2012-01-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

Going through all of Moms things and shredding documents is emotionally exhausting.
Each hidden item found a memory brought up and tears shed.
Even though I tried to be super woman yesterday showing little emotion, it is certainly backfiring today. Kind of like holding up a tidal wave of water.
Im grumpy, sad, and cant talk on the phone without bursting into tears.
There is still things to be gone through, we cant seem to do too much at once. We are trying to get done as much as possible before Tracy leaves for Missouri. There will still be much to do after.
Last bills, Medical expenses, Taxes, Thank you cards and on and on..
Tammy is getting her shit together so that she can keep the apartment. Signing all the utilities into her name and figuring out her tax debt to uncle sam. Things that should have been done years ago, But now she HAS to. Some folks just aren't motivated to be self sufficient.
I just don't understand that.
In a couple of months all the bills will be paid and things will start to settle down.
Right now,,, feeling a little lost,, cant wrap my head around anything and great.... crying again.

The service

2012-01-25T22:24:00.003-07:00

It was a good service today. There was a good turnout and my Mom was and will be remembered well.
She had many of her old co-workers speak at the service, some neighbors. and of course the relatives.
the pastor did a great job with the mostly scattered thoughts of distraught daughters.
There was many who helped us out with money and support.
All will be thanked and hugged and loved.

I was however disappointed that my co-workers and Costco in general didn't care to send flowers (or a card) to the service but I have only worked there for 10 years so maybe they just didn't care enough.
But what ever right....
Sorry for the bitterness but seriously. It was embarrassing when people would ask why they didn't and I didn't have an answer.
such is the way of the universe I guess.

But mostly thanks to those who really cared and send their love and blessing at this most horrible time in our lives. People came out of the woodwork to send love and flowers and condolences,
Thank you to them... those with a heart of gold. And endless love to give.

the universe

2012-01-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

I learned a long time ago that that the universe is indifferent to us all. All the bad that happens and all the good is either our failures or our successes. We cannot control the world or the other people around us. We can only hope that we have control of our own lives.
We try to blame others on occasion when the truth is hard to swallow.
The main truth is that life goes on no matter what is happening in the whole world or our little world. The best we can do is to accept and to grow with each of our experiences.
The old saying... "What doesn't kill you make your stronger" is more true every day.

I know that today will be a hard day. Not as hard as the days prior to her passing but a different kind of hard. It's time to remember Mom for the delicate person that she was. And celebrate her life.
I am glad that she finally found peace after all those days of struggle.

After today there will be tomorrow and the next day and the next...

And the rest of the world and the universe will continue...........

and so will I

2012-01-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

I could use a little love around here

2012-01-21T22:11:00.007-07:00

Its been a rough 14 Days. With the news of Mom going into the hospital on Jan 8th and her steady and heartbreaking decline in the days afterwards. There is no doubt in my mind that sitting with my Mom day after day watching her slowly and painfully slip away has been the hardest most emotional thing that I have ever experienced and I will never experience this kind of pain, emotion, grief, (name your emotion here), ever again in my lifetime. I am, to say the least an exhausted emotional wreck.
Ive never been one to lean on people for support, It's been hard even during this to be close to my sisters, But I was hoping that since I was in a long term relationship that I could count on some support from D. (and I do understand that some people are unable to give like that) (he never even came up to the hospital once)
Well, Besides being yelled at and avoided like the plague I've seen very little of D. He is either avoiding me or in Red Lodge. It was like pulling teeth yesterday just to get him to hold me (it felt more like he thought he HAD to, I got more emotional hugs from people I barely know at work today than he has given me) and even then it was like he wanted to just run away Which he did today. (up to red lodge) He hasn't even told me that he loves me in days. He hasn't held me tight with emotion, just a barely there hug and away he goes. So I am feeling a little void of support. Well a lot actually. I am sure that he is more than overjoyed that Mom's service will be Wed. of this next week. Now he can go back to wamsutter and not have to worry about my emotions or needing someone here, he can just pretend that I don't exist. (like he has done these past days) I'm sure if he really wanted to come to the service he would try to. But that is the last thing he would want to do. I know that for sure.
I feel mostly abandoned by and him and more than a little disappointed and angry that I spend most of all my days with him trying to make his life better. I always tried to make sure he always had what he needed, If he asked me to find something for him I would try, I went to many of his sons sporting events taking a bazillion photos and movies making pictures, blogs and collages and giving him those moments in his sons life in pictures that he would have missed otherwise, I've cooked him meals to take down to work so he wasn't starving and had good hot food to eat, I've cooked for him here, (even cooked for him last night after my Mom passed away) trying to make sure he had a happy belly and always made sure that he was happy in other ways too. Ive kept his house clean, his lawn watered and mowed, I check on his house in red lodge and clean it too, I even agreed to have the breast augmentation,,,
I have always put him first and I didn't mind that. I have always been there for him,, always...
But now when I need support and understanding and someone to be there for me he just isn't. Neither physically or emotionally. I just do not feel any love at all. Just resentment that I can't fulfill his needs. So when I'm tired and get a little mad and emotional that he always seems to take the food I just bought to red lodge with him, He yells at me. He doesn't let me know that he did so that I can pick more stuff up at the store, I just get here to find that it isn't there anymore. So ya. I am miffed thinking that I could concentrate on other things and my carefully constructed plan for the week is moved.
So I am knocked off balance
I am tired and emotional and my Mom just died yesterday.
This has been the one single thing in my life that has totally devastated me, and the one person who I thought would be there for me isn't at all. (he seems to think I should be over it by now)
So ya, I'm sorry that I get miffed when someone moves my cheese when I am doing everything that I can to keep myself from breaking down completely and add feeling abandoned on top of that with no emotional support it feels.............

awful............. like nothing that I am going through means anything to him

It's like I am a total....

bother..

it's ... unforgivable............

She found peace

2012-01-20T15:30:00.000-07:00

My Mom passed away at 1040am this morning
she finally found peace.

I love you mom.

Tomorrow

2012-01-19T21:01:00.003-07:00

Tomorrow we move Mom into a Hospice. I still hope that it doesn't come to that. There is still hope that she may find peace in the night.

Praying for my Mom to find peace tonight.

nothing to report

2012-01-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

My mom is still hanging in there. I don't even know how long she can go on like this.
days,, weeks,,,
God seems to be very cruel in things like this.

or not

2012-01-16T19:48:00.000-07:00

yesterday was dire, today not so much. today her vitals were strong and once again the dr's tell us it could be weeks. They told us that this happens.. good days bad days super bad days.
I have given up trying to judge, there is no way to know, whatever the experience a person has.
No one really knows.

I cant watch my mom die for weeks. it's too much for me to handle.
I'm only as strong as I am and today showed me my limits.
They say that they have someone that can sit with her all day.. I may have to do that.

I don't know how people do this
and I thought that I was strong... I'm just not

It's starting

2012-01-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

I can see the changes in mom every day. Today we could see changes by the hour. We talked to the Dr. again and she actually showed us the scan of her brain and the damage to it. The bleeds are massive when you look at them. There is also blood that has pooled in the brain stem. If you were looking at the brain picture on the left side kinda on the top of her head a spot the size of a golf ball maybe a little bigger. That was the first one. The second one is on the right side of her brain on the side above the ear that covers more than 1/2 of that brain hemisphere. When you are looking at the facts on the screen everything comes clear. As the Dr. was talking I wonder if mom was listening because it was after that visit when she started to decline. There has been no urine output today at all. She has been in a large amount of discomfort so her morphine has been increased every 1/2 hour. When her breathing is labored or when her blood pressure is super high it's upped again. Since around 5pm her skin has changed and has a stronger odor and her extremities are starting to show mottling and her toes and fingernails are turning . This all means that her body is starting to shut down. Both my sisters plan on spending the night up there. They will call me when or if something happens.
We have the best nurse up there.. Where the Drs. seem to tell us it could be days or weeks She says it wont be that long, she is so open and honest about everything. She sees this sort of thing everyday and tells us what she knows by her experiences. She told us tonight that it will be within the next couple of days, if not tonight. By the way her body and face look and how often they have to up the morphine to make her comfortable it's only a matter of time. And I believe her by the way mom has been changing in the last couple of hours. I do feel bad leaving but after 10+ hours watching her I needed to rest and clear my head. This doesn't make me a bad person because I didn't stay even after what the nurse said.... I didn't leave her alone she is with my sisters, sometimes when dealing with this sort of thing a person needs to rest. It is all very hard on all of us but mostly Mom, she would have never wanted to linger on like this and to use drastic measures to to bring her up to living on feeding tubes and respirators for the rest of her life was unacceptable to her, she made sure that not only we were aware of her wishes but her regular physician as well.. She did not want to live out her days being force feed in a nursing home where she couldn't talk, move or respond in any way. What a horror that would be.
I only wish her peace and comfort and to know that we all love her very much and will miss her and it's ok to relax and let go.
Be at peace mom.. We love you

The Cat Scan

2012-01-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

When I got there today there was no new changes, I was there in time to talk with the Dr. about how she is progressing. There has been no change really. She doesn't show "the signs" of going soon. We ordered another CT scan mostly for our benefit so that we could try to plan something... Anything..
The nurse told us that the CT scan was no different than the one taken on the 12th. That it may be weeks before she lets go.. My sister Tracy was with me and both of our hearts just sank.. We don't want Mom to suffer like this.. She planned very carefully NOT to have this but here she is. She is cursed with bad veins and a strong heart.
I am usually pretty good at blocking things out but watching my Mom slowly die with each gasp of air is excruciating. I watch everyday as her skin tone changes, her skin feels different, They bathe her everyday but he Mom smell is gone replaced by pre death.. It is not fair to my mom at all that God will not let her have a dignified death. I am mad and sad and tortured, just like Mom is as she lies there. She is in all reality a vegetable at this point with really strong organs. We talk to her and tell her that we love her and we will be ok, It's ok for her to let go. It's an awful feeling hoping that your Mom will pass on soon. The guilt is overwhelming. But I want it for her as much as for us.
As they tell us now it may be weeks, or tomorrow we now need to plan in a different direction... Hospice Care.. She cant stay there, well she can but maybe hospice care would be better.
We are going to set up a meeting with the social worker on Monday to discuss the options. I was thinking about trying to go back to work then but it looks like it may not work out.
My oldest sister Tracy is carrying most of the load, I feel bad that I cant do more than I can and she says she understands. She is good at dealing with Tammy something that I am not, she is finally coming to terms that Mom isn't going to wake up and has started to help with the funeral arraignments and is going through all moms paperwork to find the important parts. Dealing with her intense emotions and trying to deal with our own grief has been a nightmare.
A lot of thoughts and emotions are surging through me, mostly I don't understand this kind of pain. I felt sad and emotional when my Dad died and when my Brother died it was worse, but nothing really prepares you for when you Mom is dying in front of you and you cant do anything but watch and hope that she can still feel your touch and hear your words. They tell us that hearing is the last thing to go. We don't get any responses when we touch her, we haven't for a couple of days now. This kind of thing just rips up your soul.
Today I cried a lot.... more than I usually allow myself. I try to be strong and deal with it but I have been going through all the pictures that I have of my Mom and making a couple of collages for the service and making a card design. It's been really difficult.

update

2012-01-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

I came home to work on some photos for the service.
Mom is still holding in there, we took the oxygen off today, not much was getting to her anyway and she is more comfortable without it on.
We were told by the nurse that it didn't look like she would pass today or tomorrow. She sees this type of thing everyday and really does know the signs. Tammy will spend the night up there and Tracy will go home and go through more of Moms papers, I am doing the pictures and ceremony stuff.
Today we called credit cards for balances, insurance companies, the place Mom did her burial stuff.
We have more on the list but can't start until she passes.
Sitting there watching her die is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Watching the day to day changes in her face and skin and the way she feels..
Today me and Tracy were telling her how much we loved her and it was ok to move on. That we would be ok.
this is just really
hard...............................

yesterday

2012-01-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterdays meeting went as suspected. The Dr.s informed us that a feeding tube would do no good since she is already aspirating on the liquid in her stomach. The 2nd bleed in her head has grown larger and surgery cannot fix it. We discussed what she would have wanted and her regular physician informed the panel of Dr.s what my mom had told him many times. And what she told us. So the decision was made to remove all the monitoring devises and give her a morphine drip for any pain she may have. They are continuing to do oxygen and of course hydrating her.
We were moved into a different room that was more quiet and peaceful. There are windows and couches and chairs and not all that "noise" around. We were told what to look for as her time grows near as far as her breathing and how her body will shut down. It's all very difficult but I have made my goodbyes to her and hope that she doesn't linger like this for long for all our sakes. We will probably turn off the oxygen today because at this point it is a life sustaining treatment, and it was recommended yesterday.
We all spent the night with her listening to her breathing get slower and slower. This morning her kidneys are starting to shut down so it is just a matter of time. We agreed that we need to take turns taking a time out today. I am home to shower and try to eat something, maybe try to rest.
I will head back in a little while. They will call me with any changes.
I have my work to do after she passes, I am the executor and have power of attorney. Tammy found most all of her paper work for outstanding bills and such. And then there will be filing taxes, and dividing her assets. We are going to try to get most things done like packing up things before my sister goes back down to Missouri. We are just doing her clothes and personal items. Tammy needs to decide what she wants to keep for everything else. It's all hers.

I was working on scanning all my old family photos with the intent to make mom a giant picture book. I really shouldn't have procrastinated.
:(

No good news to report

2012-01-11T21:58:00.001-07:00

Mom suffered a second bleed today, This time in the right side of her brain. It happened sometime between this mornings CT scan (at about 4am) and the one they did at about 3pm .. The problem is that she never woke up today. She just slept. And she had even less responses. As the Dr. told me of the new find I tried to just listen to the facts and not get all emotional. Which I was able to do.. (surprise) Even though it seems like he was talking in slow motion and everything else in the world was blurred out.
This new bleed brings her back to the 3-4 day danger zone. He calls it code. They will continue life saving efforts at this time even though.. he says... they may not be successful.
The way everyone was acting this afternoon the word was out that she may not make it. After Tracy got here from Missouri at about 630, they let us ignore the ICU rules of only 2 people and no visitors from 7-9pm.
Basically if she pulls through it will be a miracle. And even if she does she will have to have constant care. The way it was put, the meeting tomorrow will be more about making her final days manageable. We will do a small feeding tube and the decision will be made to follow moms wishes on DNR.
But we will see what tomorrow will bring. Tammy plans on camping out over night there and Tracy is going to hang as long as she can. Hopefully I will see everyone in the morning.

Hemorrhagic stroke
Subarachnoid Hemorrhage

Turn for the worse.

2012-01-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

She has failed her swallow test again today they are still talking about a feeding tube but apparently
Moms has a no feeding tube in her living will. (we are looking further into that)
plus today my mom had a seizure. When the nurse called me she said is was serious.
Tracy from MO is flying up tomorrow and the Dr.s want to meet with everyone then.
She was unconscious the whole time I was there. I saw that she responds much better to Tammys voice than to mine. Every time the blood pressure cup would go off she would freak out without ever really waking up. Tammy would hold her and calm her down. I suppose that I can admit that I may be wrong about the whole Mom/Tammy arrangement. Watching her interact with Mom has shown me something else than the hostile picture of herself that she shows to me.
It will be good to have Tracy here to help. She is after all the commander. We are trying to get stuff together just in case.
I cant help but think that the look my Mom had at the hospital today was just like my dad's when I last saw him. That image was burned into my brain and looking at Mom today.... I could see it in her face to.
I am still hoping for a miracle but it seems that the hosp. staff isn't as hopeful as I want to be.

I used to think that I was really good at dealing with things... But the opposite is true. I dont deal with anything, I block it out to the best of my abilities and auto pilot the rest. I dont know how to handle these things and it was very evident tonight while I was watching Tammy.

no change today

2012-01-09T22:03:00.000-07:00

I saw the dr. this morning when he came in a checked on mom. He said that there is no change and things might get worse before they get better, it may be 3 days or more before the swelling in her head goes down enough to start healing. But now she hasn't eaten in 2 days, she failed the test that checks to see if she is able to eat. If she tries to eat she will probably just choke on it. they are talking about putting a feeding tube in if she cant pass tomorrow. When she looks at me I can tell she wants to say something but she just can't. I can see the frustration in her eyes.

So now I am debating my own surgery next week. Everything is set and ready to go but I just don't know if I should even go through with it now. With mom so sick and all. I feel selfish and icky about the whole thing. This was suppose to be a fun thing now I think I will just feel guilty if I go through with it.
I told my oldest sister that I had a surgery planned but didn't tell her what it was. Her response was "that was sure bad timing".. Well,, I didn't think to check with mom when she was planning her next stroke. My bad. So that is part of it. How are they going to feel about me having this type of surgery when mom is so sick. Im not sure how I feel about it to be honest. I had a great talk with one of the gals at work today, it helped and I thought that I was going to just go ahead and do it while mom is in the hospital so that I will be ready to help later. But I don't know.
I really don't know what to do and it's making me sick.

My Mom had another stroke today

2012-01-08T18:53:00.002-07:00

I got the message when I checked my phone on my lunch. This was several hours after it happened.
The message was that she had a stroke and was at the hospital. But which one. ????
After several attempts to find which one I left work to go up there. Turns out that she had a bleeding stroke on the left side of her head the size of a golf ball. They cant do anything to fix it, she has lost her speech and the ability to follow instructions. She was a little better by the time I left the hospital this evening. But they will know more tomorrow after she becomes more stable and run a bazillion more tests.

The sister that lives with my mom did not contact me and told my "other" sister that she wasn't going to. The only information I got prior to getting to the hospital was from my sister in MO fwding texts from my sister here. This was just fucking great. I was so mad!! When I got to the hospital the Dr. was there going through things. was a little shocked to learn that instead of rushing mom to the hospital right away my sister let my mom eat something a hang around the house until she was ready to go. I was shocked that she didn't know that the sooner a stoke victim has care the better the outcome. This delay could have very well caused mom more damage and may never get better.
Visiting hours are different for the ICU, basically only 9am to 7pm
Any earlier or later would just be too much of a burden on my mom.
I hope she gets better but right now the prognosis isn't that good.
I will go up to the hospital before work tomorrow and then after work on Tuesday, Hopefully we will know more soon.
Praying for a miracle.

Hemorrhagic stroke
Hemorrhage is the medical term for bleeding. Hemorrhagic stroke occurs when a blood vessel in your brain leaks or ruptures. Brain hemorrhages can result from a number of conditions that affect your blood vessels, including uncontrolled high blood pressure (hypertension) and weak spots in your blood vessel walls (aneurysms). A less common cause of hemorrhage is the rupture of an arteriovenous malformation (AVM) — an abnormal tangle of thin-walled blood vessels, present at birth. There are two types of hemorrhagic stroke:

Intracerebral hemorrhage. In this type of stroke, a blood vessel in the brain bursts and spills into the surrounding brain tissue, damaging cells. Brain cells beyond the leak are deprived of blood and are also damaged. High blood pressure is the most common cause of this type of hemorrhagic stroke. Over time, high blood pressure can cause small arteries inside your brain to become brittle and susceptible to cracking and rupture.

Feeling sad

2012-01-07T20:47:00.001-07:00

Jasmines going away party was tonight.
I am happy for her new adventures but I am going to miss her

Tired pondering thoughts of nothingness

2012-01-06T17:41:00.000-07:00

I am scared and excited and worried about my upcoming surgery.. I do wonder what people will think even though I know it's none of their business. But I cant help but wonder. Even though I shouldn't. But I do. But I don't know why.. ((geez))
I haven't told my family, it's not like they can help with anything and I don't want to worry Mom. If she hears the word surgery she will just freak out so the less she knows the better.
She probably wont even notice afterwards.
But I certainly hope that there is a noticeable difference I'm going as big as I can.. I wish I had someone to really talk to about all this. I cant talk to my family because they suck, I'm not sharing stuff at work anymore, they really couldn't care any less anyway.
I have found a message board that has been super supportive and I have learned a lot from the plethora of information available there, real life stuff that people are dealing with in real time most of the time, but they are just strangers.. Jasmine was going to help me through some of it but she will be gone before my surgery she really was my only true friend at work, She has been my biggest fan in all this encouraging me and helping me. I am going to miss her.
My second Post op is going to be a hard one to get to. I'm not sure I will be able to drive at that point. But oh well.. I will have to make due. (D will be back at work by then..)
I found an online buddy who had lipo at the same time as her Breast Augmentation just yesterday and she said that it is totally worth doing at the same time. Her words!.. She said ya it hurts but she is more excited with her lipo than her boobs right now. She noticed an improvement right away with the lipo even with the swelling. This is all good new to me..

I'm still super tired from working Wednesday, It really wore me out.
Turns out that the restrictions that the Dr. gave me couldn't be done at all, even though I tried on a few occasions. It was busy enough that I couldn't even take my afternoon break to put my foot up much less ice it and put it up for 10 min. every hour. I should have just called in and rested.

When the Workers comp lady called today to ask me how well the restrictions at work actually work,,, I told her that they don't. I should have just taken more time off. She agreed!
We will see what happens on Saturday.. Jasmines going away party is after work, we already had a going away lunch but I sill stop by briefly to say bye again.

I am still scanning negatives. It takes about 3 min per scan if I don't do the preview. I stopped doing the preview so that it will go just a little faster. When all the exposures are the same it's no big deal really. Looking at all these old pictures bring back floods of memories both good and bad. Back when things were different with my family and things hadn't been said or done to sever ties. It's hard to be part of something that always cuts you down and makes you feel bad. Such is my family I suppose. You might say that I am just too sensitive and family is family. But you can only take so much criticism before you just break down. And that is where I am now. But blah blah blah on that.!!!
After I get everything scanned my other big project is going to make Mom a big book.

Well, after wondering around the house for several hours with the fake rice boobies planted against my 36B chest, I think that I made the right implant size choice. (450cc) They didn't seem overly big and I made lunch and started my big soup project so I think we are all good.
It's seriously only 12 days away....... (yikes.)

Random thoughts while scanning and searching and icing and leg up.

2012-01-03T21:09:00.001-07:00

*I still feel like a dork for falling down, but I have never claimed to be graceful in fact I am the opposite of graceful.
*When looking at the BA message boards most all women want to be at least a D or DD.. A few want to be way over that but very very few want to be under. I tend to think that women like boobs more than men do.. And men like them a whole lot.!!
*"D" still doesn't want me to do the lipo at the same time as the BA. I don't think that he really understands how much it actually means to me to rid myself of this awful disgusting hip fat I have. I wish he could understand that the places I so want to fix are those places that I look at every day with disgust. A BA isn't going to fix my self esteem problem when all I see is that fat. Especially after looking at all my past HNT pics from 6 years ago. My fat bothered me then but there is much more of it now... :(
*I am scanning away at my family photo's .. I am to the part where I am scanning events which means I am scanning everything. This long and laborious task is more boring than sitting through a seminar on how to spin cat hair into a quilt. So I am surfing the BA pages, shopping and icing... It's a good thing that everything is within arms reach at this stage in the game. so there is little to no moving which makes my ankle smile.
*I really do like the air splint. I hope that it gets me through the day tomorrow then I am off Thursday and Friday so that I can rest it more.I have to go back next Wednesday to have the Dr.sign off of the workers comp so I am squeezing it in between getting off work and my pre-op BA appointment.
*I am still acquiring some post op supplies, I don't want to have that OH SHIT moment where I forgot something and can't drive anywhere yet to get it. I am for sure going to make myself some of the chicken stew that I make for "D" for work. I absolutely love it., I will just freeze it in quart baggies for little dinners maybe minus the potato part I might add a different veggie instead.
*well enough of the randomness.... I am getting tiered and I think this is my last scan... Time for bed.

Ankle on Ice!!

2012-01-03T15:07:00.000-07:00

My poor bruised ankle

Sometimes going to the Dr can take all frickin" day. I was hoping to get it all done with this morning but apparently Walk in clinics dont do workers comp injuries. So I went to the occupational Health people and was told there wasn't any time until 1pm. (uuugggggggg) So I came home and iced the ankle again then went back at 1. Much to my disappointment when I went back I noticed that "D"s X wife was working there. (can you say uncomfortable.) I was uneasy with writing down all my medical history knowing what a nosy person she is. So I didn't.. I just wrote the basics down and called it good.
I got to wait for about 25 mins in the waiting room which always sucks, It sucks even more when they keep calling the names of everyone that came in after you.. (Was everybody just late or what is the deal)
When I finally got in to see the Dr. he told me that it was a Moderate sprain, twisted my ankle around a bit, put an air-splint on me, wrote up some work restrictions and sent me on my way. I waited all day for a 10 minute checkup. Amazing. Plus I need to go back next week to be released fully for work. This workman's comp stuff really sucks, I don't think I will hurt myself at work anymore.
do now I sit with my foot on a giant pillow with ice around the ankle. Just took some ibuprofen, and thoping for the best. I will be going to work tomorrow.

And then I fell....................

2012-01-02T21:46:00.001-07:00

I was on my way to work today and the funniest thing happened.......
I got out of my Jeep and started walking towards the building like I always do, but this time... As I step over the curb ..... As I tried to step over the curb..... As I mis-judged the curb catching it will my shoe I started to fall,, as I tried to catch myself like I have done a million times before,, my ankle rolled under me and I was indeed going down. I heard that weird crackish noise from my ankle as I fell onto my knees then to my face, that sound when you know you just did something horrible wrong and you are not going to get up. So I laid there on my back like a wounded turtle thinking "fuck" I reached for my phone but before I got the office number dialed "April" comes running over... "are you ok?" Unfortunately no.. I told her.. Mike and Jeff come running over and help me up and too my car when I realized that standing upright was making me incredibly dizzy, like pass out dizzy and yes it did hurt THAT bad. So as I sit in my Jeep contemplating my next move and wondering why I didn't take the time to shave my legs this morning, April comes to tell me that a manager will be out to fill out some injury paperwork. I am still kind dizzy and queasy and I was wondering if I was even going to make it home if that's what I needed to do. All the while I am workin" the ankle making sure it isn't broken and by the time the manager go to me I was trying to stand on it... And YA it hurt... but I thought if I can put pressure on it and I'm not passing out then I will try to work. So the manager walked me in and we filled out all the paperwork.. They found me some ice packs and some wrap so that I could wrap up my ankle, it didn't work very well so I went to Shopko and bought an ankle brace and Ibuprofen. So after 6 of those and 2 pain killers I made it through the whole day. When I got home and attempted to remove the brace it was almost as painful as the initial injury. I didn't get one with the Velcro because I needed to wear my shoes over it, so I got the slip on kind. Putting it on even brought tears to my eyes and taking it off was a bit more painful due to the swelling from being on it all day. I looked at the damage and you know that little ankle bone on the outside of your ankle,,,, well mine is the size of a plum... and ya .. it' hurts.


Looks like this minus the color,

So now it has an ice pack around it and it is elevated. All the managers were all telling me that by morning it will be much worse. I didn't really believe them, mostly because I haven't had this injury in well,,,, forever... But as bad as it looks right now I will be surprised if it's all OK by tomorrow. It even hurts down into my foot to my toes, but I still have hope. All I know is that if it still hurts this bad tomorrow and is still this swollen, It may be a workers comp day.
I haven't hurt myself bad enough at work to even fill out an injury form in the 10 years that I have worked there. This breaks that record for sure.
I just feel like such a dork.

NOW I remember

2012-01-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

Why it was I don't do much with the Bazil butt lift. ....As I tried to keep up with the spastic dance moves and was spinning around like a toddler to weird music.....
I have no rhythm,, AT ALL,, which is why I would never ever ever even try Zumba, I like the more calisthenic type work outs, old school stuff that just kicks your ass without have to learn dance move. My 2 left feet and no balance is why I didn't keep up with the Brazilian,, But there is 2 kick ass floor routines for butts, thighs and tummy. ((ow)).. Tomorrow it's Jillian with her Shredded program. It's good to have a variety.

Scanning scanning scanning

2012-01-01T17:30:00.000-07:00

I started scanning later than I thought I would, but I usually cant do it for too long anyway. It gives me a headache looking into the light boxy and the lupe. I pulled out the ab doer twist and im using that as a chair. It works great, it has a swivel, it's the right height so I dont slouch, and I can stretch and twist my back when it tightens up. Which it totally does when doing all this scanning.
This scanner was a good purchase, I struggled over it for a while but now Im glad I got it . I have so many negs and slides to scan though it may take me all winter.

Working through the pain

2012-01-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

I generally don't work out when I have (yet another) migraine but today I thought too bad brain, body is going to do it anyway, you will be taken care of afterwards. Working out with a migraine is sort of like drilling holes in your head and filling your skull with hot metal marbles that clank and move around bashing into each other causing a painful hot electric discharge shooting through my head. I chose a super low impact all lower body ( Brazilian butt lift actually) I really like this DVD I sometimes wonder why I don't do it instead of my lazy treadmill workout with weights. Truth is I haven't been motivated like I should be. Most of the DVD's I have are great and when used they really do help me stay motivated and results are faster. It's just easier to watch tv and jump on the treadmill, and this morning I was going through my workout dvd stash to find workouts that I can do after the "boobs" arrive. I have been told that I can walk on the treadmill after 2 days and that is strongly encouraged that I do that with the lipo portion of this event. I just cant do any bouncing, jumping jacks or weight work (no push ups either)..
I had to take the imitrex this morning and downing that with a cocoa coffee, sometimes the cannabis tincture just doesn't work, It's just not strong enough for these super tough high pressure / period headaches. I would have to take so much I wouldn't be able to move, and that is just not me. Things to do places to go shit to get done. I have never been much of a relaxer, much to the dismay of "D" who is constantly trying to train me to just take it easy. Sometimes I can but mostly it's just not in me to just do nothing.
My New Years so called resolutions involves my daily, weekly, monthly and yearly goals. They have never changed but I just can't seem to muster the incentive to get them done. There are things I dont know how to get past such as.... Not being able to tell people how I feel about them, not being able to show them, lacking general compassion. All of these I always want to change but fear being hurt like I always seem to be. So the wall is so tall and thick at this point it's nearly impenetrable. When you think people are your friends but they turn out not to be causes me to push away any new friendships just to protect my feelings from being hurt. None of this makes sense in reality, humans are generally made to group and bond but for me it's easier to spare my feelings and disappointment and be alone most of the time than to open up and be crushed again and again. Of course every once and awhile I try only to be crushed and disappointed so I just dont want to try anymore.
Unfortunately I don't even tell "D" how I really feel, I keep my feelings bottled up in fear that if he really knows how much he means to me the sky will come crashing down and all will be lost. Sad and pathetic I know, And I really want to tell him sometimes but I just end up staring at him.. He must think I am just a big weirdo.
My constant thing that I want to do is get into better shape. It's not going to happen if I don't get and stay motivated. Plus I will gain 6 pounds due to the new boobage and that is just not good. I really need to stick to my goals by NO POP!! less alcohol, more veggies, whole grains, less fat. Stuff I have been doing (except I drink way too much) but I will never loose the weight if I continue to drink so that has to stop (or lessen) I need to workout at least 4 times a week no matter what!!!! Taking time off working out when "D" is in town is just like not working out at all. So that I need to change.

This has been my first year living with "D" and at first it was really hard for both of us. It's much better now. I hope that it will continue to get better. I am still confused by some of the things he says and some things just dont make since but I am dealing with that and hopefully I can either understand or.....well,,,,, maybe not, I may never understand but we are all different people. I cant control who people are.

Happy New Year!

Changes they are a coming!!!

2011-12-30T20:33:00.001-07:00

It was super hard to decide but I have made a decision on the breast implant size. I am still waffling on the High or Moderate profile, turns out I can do either one because my breast width diameter is 14cm. I think the moderate will be more full and the high would project out 1.5cm further. Which in reality isn't that much. And my Boobs are perky now so maybe match them with the hp. Chances are I will go with the HP but now that I have the size down I can come up with the other by the 11th with no problem.
I have scoured the message boards for women with stats like mine and they go at least this size, sometimes bigger. This is the largest implant that I can have due to my lack of loose skin (AKA perky breast syndrome) Im looking forward to the new additions so if you dont have supportive comments keep them to yourself. I need support not condemnation! got it.......
The other isn't an addition but a subtraction, Lipo.. I am doing lipo at the same time in my most trouble spots that exercise isn't working on. My goal to fit into clothes more comfortably.. I am not expecting a miracle just a little help from modern medicine. Seems my body cant keep up with my hormones wanting to add extra fat in my advanced age. (hips, back and belly mostly)
This is the type: Tumescent Liposuction ~ (Wet Liposuction)
Tumescent liposuction, sometimes called the "wet" or "super-wet" liposuction, involves infusing the area to be treated with sterile saline to help remove fat cells and distinguish them from overlying soft tissue and underlying muscle and organs. Tumescent liposuction utilizes large volumes of natural saline, containing a local anesthetic (lidocaine), and adrenaline (epinephrine), which is dispersed into the fatty tissue making fat cells easier to remove with a very fine canella. Tumescent Liposuction has the lowest rate of complications documented in medical literature and the greatest patient satisfaction. This type of liposuction is the safest and most precise technique in the field of liposuction, because of the use of fine instruments and localized tumescent anesthetic. Additionally, surgeons using this method are able to exercise a high amount of control over the final results.
I was happy that he uses this type of lipo, From what I have read it's the safest and quicker healing than the others.
Needless to say I will be wrapped up like a mummy for the first couple weeks. Hopefully I will heal quickly.
Little by little I am acquiring my post surgery supplies. Thanks to the message boards I can learn from others what works and what doesn't.. The biggest thing is plenty of cold compresses. Apparently there is a great deal of swelling that occurs when you shove a plastic ball under your boob muscle and fill it to the brim with saline. Who knew.......

Another big change is that my friend Jasmine is moving, She is a wonderful caring person and I will miss talking to her everyday. She is moving to Houston and I must say I am a bit jealous that she is moving to such a great place. She will be a stay at home mom there and I am so happy for her I am beyond words. She is having some of the greatest changes in her life right now and she is facing it with strength and commitment. I envy her on many levels, I will miss her so much. :(
We had lunch today and it was all I could do not to grab onto her and sob like a little girl. Opps... there goes that emotional side again....
dont let anyone know that I actually have feelings.

The Ending of the Year

2011-12-29T21:05:00.001-07:00

Also brings an ending of the much celebrated HNT in which I used to participate in way back in 2006. I used it both as an artistic outlet and a personal outlet.
I did not take my divorce well and my self esteem was in the toilet and this venue really helped me feel better about myself. I only did it for a short time but I always went back to check and see what was going on.
I had never been much of a joiner in anything but this was fun and the people were very nice, kind and supportive. It was amazing to me, the whole concept.
But this too has come to an end. It has run full circle and I for one will never forget HNT and what it brought to me when I needed it the most. A sense of community and support that I have not seen since.
Thank you Scott, for all you did for so many people looking to express them selves in a safe supportive environment.
If you care to look at my past HNT photo's I found most of them and have posted them here.
Most are not work friendly and there is nudity so if you are a prude dont look. But I don't mind if you do. Keep in mind this is 6 years ago.. Things have changed a lot since then.

Another wasted oz

2011-12-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

The semi-cemented tower of rock candy cannabis

A few days ago I tried to make rock candy with my Tincture. Since the "Big Cannabis Crackdown" It's mostly impossible to find ready made stuff. Just the basics are available which makes it harder for people like me who have ZERO baking skills.
I did try a trial batch without the tincture and it did turn out but when adding an oz of glycerin tincture to the mix it turned into a blob of non hardening semi gooie sticking in your teeth candy like substance.
I wasn't sure how adding it to the mix would change the hardness of the candy but now I know. But I lack the baking skills to figure out how to tweek the recipe to make it hard.
So I wont be trying that again anytime soon. It's too much to waste in something that just doesn't work.

Such a clickish group I work with

2011-12-27T21:58:00.002-07:00

I wont sugar coat it.. Today sucked.
Most days at work suck anymore but today did more than usual.
The group I work with are a clickish group. They are always making party plans just out of ear shot, Well Apparently not completely out of ear shot to the dismay of my feelings but when you walk into the lab and people stop talking like you are some sort of deaf idiot it's rather insulting. ((Not only that but they rarely have any conversation with me, they are off in a corner somewhere chatting away.))
I suppose a good swift kick in the taco is a good thing to remind me, (when I start to give a fuck ) That none of them are not my friends as they prove every day, they are simply people that I work with. They may think that I don't care but obviously I do. Enough to just say FUCK UM!!
What they do is just rude and mean spirited and I dont need that crap in my life.
It was a good reminder today.
A reminder to just go there and do my job and not even try to be friendly or nice or listen to all their problems, they can just talk to each other.
This ear is officially closed down.
It's obvious from today they have their little click and you have to be one of the special people to even talk to them. So they can just continue to talk amongst themselves.
If I need to know something they can send me a fucking MEMO!!

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like such a boob

2011-12-24T21:39:00.001-07:00

The more I try to research the more confused I become.
It would be great if 420cc or 300cc or 360cc looked the same on everyone. But everyone is completely different. A 300cc on one person looks like a 480cc on another.
I need help...
I need to start from scratch again.
The scariest part is that my surgery is Jan 18th and I have no idea what to do. I know what D wants me to do. But I have no idea what I want. I know I dont want to go too big or too small.
I am at a complete loss. all these sizers are confusing, I really have no idea right now.
aaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!!

2011-12-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

On whichever day of christmas iit is now

2011-12-23T13:53:00.001-07:00

I tried and tried to find a gift in Red Lodge for my Mom today. she has so many restrictions it's hard to get her anything but a gift card to rimrock mall or just taking her to dinner. Which I will end up doing no doubt. She doesn't want any more crap in her house so nothing from the simplest candle to a great wall hanging. she doesn't like gift baskets, she doesn't like Booze, she doesn't like the clothes that I have bought for her, she doesn't like a lot of things. I was going to try to get the Photo book of the family pictures together but I don't even have all the pictures scanned yet. Oh well maybe next year.
Some people are just super hard to buy gifts for. It's easier to just give money.

on the 4th day of christmas...........

2011-12-22T20:51:00.001-07:00

I am one tired pussy

Working retail during the holidays if rough. Everything is HOHOHO and trying to be nice for 8 hours while standing all day racing around making sure that your holiday is covered. So as the customers start get agitated and hostile it all rubs off on the people who are trying to help them. Although most people this year have been nice there is always people who are demanding and rude.
Most days are totally exhausting leaving us all to drag our asses home at the end of the day and crash. (after a few cocktails of course)..
right now I am on a couple of much needed days off. Then it is back to the grind on Saturday with Christmas day off. and back at it on Monday.
oh joy...

on the 5th day of christmas......

2011-12-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

On the 6th day of Christmas

2011-12-19T08:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the "PONDER"osa

2011-12-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

I've been on boob patrol for way too long. I am still trying to figure out size and either moderate or high profile. This is all very confusing and very important, It's not something that I can afford to make a mistake deciding. ((And my surgery is scheduled for January 18th))

just another boob shot

I am taking this very seriously and becoming a little neurotic about the whole thing. "D" wants me to go super big but what he doesn't seem to want to understand is that gravity is not my friend and I want to be attractive and happy, not a side show freak with huge boobs who can't do anything. I am not sure anymore if he is just joking with me or if he is serious. I'm starting to not feel good about the breast augmentation at all. I am becoming uncomfortable with D going on about GGG size and not really caring about my person health or what I would want or be physically and mentally comfortable with. Truth is I'm not sure I even want to do it anymore. If he is going to be constantly disappointed in my size decision then I really dont see the point. Truth is for me I would be most comfortable with being a D or DD. but how far are my muscles going to flatten out the implant. No one knows that until after 6-9 months.
A higher profile will make me look bigger with a smaller base but I don't want bowling ball boobs.
"D" has also told me that he doesn't want me to do the lipo at the same time as the breasts.
And he doesn't seem to want to listen that there is less recovery for the lipo than the breasts. I feel disappointed that he doesn't want me to do it... I wanted that more than the boobs, but he is very insistent that he wants it to be all about the boobs and feels that recover time would be longer if I did both. But everything that the Dr. has told me and that I have read online states that it is the augmentation that is going to take forever to heal and the lipo would be about 2 weeks with the new advances in that procedure. (the augmentation will take months) I know that he doesn't want me to do it, but I really want to. To me it's my hip fat and not being able to fit into my clothes that makes me feel like a fat piece of crap. If I just add big boobs onto my disappointing belly and hip fat I just going to feel like a Fat COW!! I can see that coming, not only will I still not be able to fit into my pants comfortably but I wont be able to fit into any of my tops either. (great)...
I just feel disappointed that we cant have an honest discussion about this and have him actually listen to how I feel and what I would like. I know that he is paying for the boobs and has some say in it all but it's like I don't have any, plus I am genuinely scared to do this and the constant teasing isn't helping me at all. Right now I just feel like I dont really want to do it any more mostly because he's making me feel bad about trying to feel good about myself by insisting on freak show boobs.
I was really excited at one point. now..... maybe not, I just dont feel like my feelings are getting support..
Maybe this is all just a really bad idea..
Maybe I should just get super drunk.........

on the 8th day of Christmas

2011-12-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

on the 10th day of Christmas

2011-12-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Im not the only one

2011-12-13T20:13:00.002-07:00

Shunning facebook and living to tell about it

The countdown begins at 12.

2011-12-13T19:09:00.000-07:00

Breaking NEWS!!!!

2011-12-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

The Body of Santa Clause was found today floating in Riverfront park.
An unnamed source was quoted as saying... "I heard he wanted his greeting cards in an hour at Costco today"..

Film at 11

Santas gone to the dark side

2011-12-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

The evilness of Facebook has penetrated the sanctity of the North Pole.

There is no hope for mankind

Cartoon Countdown to Christmas

2011-12-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

But I'm Tired.....................

2011-12-11T18:44:00.001-07:00

Work has been hell the last couple of weeks and the closer to the holiday the worse it gets. Today was the first day that I noticed a shift from happy holiday shoppers to holiday shoppers from beyond hell. People hitting the computer kiosk and walking off.
People getting all disgusted that their greeting cards wont be done in an hour.
A complete lack of patients, I had to tell one lady today to just calm down and wait her turn.
It's just delightful.
I am so tired that I cant even think when I get home.
I have officially entered Zombie land USA.
But it's not just me it's all of us. The holidays really take a toll on everyone working in the photo lab during the holidays. That is probably why we all hate it. It's one thing to be busy but try to be pulled in 6 different directions for 8+ hours everyday and still have to be nice.
Ya... try it before you judge it.
After work tonight I had to get groceries. (thankfully I had a list cuz I was in stare mode) while I was just wondering around aimlessly I got a hankering for jambalaya so I picked up what I could remember I needed. When I got home I started to slice up the onion, celery, garlic, green pepper and proceeded to cut into 2 fingers right through the fingernail and drop the knife very close to my slippered foot. I was glad when the slicing was finally over.. any more and I may have sliced an artery.
So that is cooking.... I used white rice only cuz it cooks faster and I didn't want to be eating at 11pm.
I'm really too tired to do much else. I was going to continue my scanning but I'm just too tired. I cant even seem to drag my ass out of bed to workout right now. Better to sleep and not get sick than to work our and over work my body and lower my immune system. Lord knows where those people have been as they hack and cough and sneeze in my face.
Oh and BTW!!!!! Why do people still not realize that putting their card in their mouth then handing it to me is the grossest thing EVER!!!!!!
EVER!!!
I had other clever things from the day but I have forgotten them all.
I barely got through it.
And tomorrow is another day.
(yippie)

Last night I had a nightmare

2011-12-09T17:30:00.001-07:00

I have been stressing my self out to a migraine about the upcoming surgery mostly because I now have a date and a pre-op date.
So now Im scared. I waited until now to freak out.
I spent some time reading some message boards on this very subject and as "they" say... It's normal.
I am more stressed about the Boobs than the lipo. The Boobs everybody is going to notice the lipo is just for me to feel better about myself and to help me fit into clothes comfortably again since working out will not even touch my stubborn German hip fat.
My belly I blame on my appendix surgery, until then I always had a fairly flat tummy but I have not been able to get it back in 3 years of trying.
The good thing is that D is handling the Boob cost, and I am paying for the Lipo. I have looked at so many boobs in the last few months and the only conclusion I can come to is that each person looks completely different and mine will look different too. Going from a B to a D on people is as different as snowflakes falling from the sky. Some look great, some look small, some look way to much but I'm to the point that I just cant look at boob sizes anymore, I'm just in overload. I will stick to the 420cc because it is a size bigger than what I like and my only hope is that they look as nice as Tory Lanes do. Or..... that dont look like the picture above or look like boob projectiles/bowling balls from hell.
And after pondering size til the cows come home I still think that I am going too big and the size smaller would be great but "they" have told me over and over and over that the only complaint they ever hear is that they didn't go big enough. So too big after swelling goes down and I loose 15% due to muscle compression we should be good. (yes I have been researching the hell out of it)

Looking at the past

2011-12-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

I have been scanning a bunch of old negatives to digital files lately and you cant help but think about the past. Most of it seems kind of depressing and I am wondering why I am even doing it. But I know I will be glad I did this later when I no longer have these hard copies laying around taking up space.
It's been easier than I thought to ditch a lot of photo's that I thought were so important that I had to keep 6 plastic bins full of them. Candid shots of scenery and pets are now down to a handful. Shots of my past boyfriend and x husband I only kept a few of the better ones. I really don't need hundreds of pictures of my x husband (after all we were together for 16 years, there are bound to be way too many).. Most of the ones of him have been passed by but I kept the ones of me growing up while being married. It is so amazing how you change over the years.
I am keeping all my family shots of course even though I don't have as many as I thought I did. I found a photo of my Mom when she was 50 and was surprised how old she looked. I hope that my thoughts that I don't look 50 are true and not just some weird false impression I have.
I haven't started on the slides yet. That will be a much bigger project. I only have a binder and a half of negatives to go through but I seem to have about 7 binders of slides. (Yikes)!!
At the same time I am trying to catalog and organize accounting to event, family, person and blah blah blah. (BooooRriiinG)!!

I have been researching my butt off about the upcoming surgery and got freaked out. A little panic attack followed by a stiff drink. It is serious stuff and I cant be too careful about this. My poor body is going to be in some serious pain afterwards. Most of the sites that list post op care for breast augmentation and lipo insist that you should not move for the first 48 hours and no travel for a week. Also with all the after care garments and creams, I am going to be wrapped up like a mummy. Like a half wrapped mummy anyway.
And then I got to thinking...... WHAT AM I THINKING!'
I am 50 years old, Am I too old to even consider all this??? my life is 1/3 over.!! I wish that I would have done this at 40 instead of 50.
The whole age this is bothering me more than anything else. More than the pain or recovery or well ... pain.... I just wonder if 50 is too old... But they say it's not. You should have the right to do what you want at any age and if it makes you feel more youthful and happy for the next page in your life then it is a good thing. (maybe Ill just go with that.)

And from the Rehberg camp......

2011-12-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

I find it funny that he never once touched on the topic of restricting use of firearms because of medical cannabis. At least Tester touched on not discriminating due to medical cannabis use.

Dear Lori:

Thank you for contacting me regarding gun control. It's good to hear from you.

Firearms play an important role in the lives of many Montanans. From hunting to protecting our families and property, the right to keep and bear arms is a part of America's heritage. I am a staunch supporter of our Constitutional right to keep and bear arms.

While I believe it is important to keep guns out of the hands of criminals, we must be careful not to infringe upon the rights of law abiding citizens.

Research conducted during the early 1990s indicated there were at least 2.5 million protective uses of firearms each year in the U.S. According to this research, guns were used about three to five times as often for defensive purposes as for criminal purposes. I understand how important firearms are to Montanans and I will keep working to preserve our rights.

Thanks again for contacting me on this important issue. For more information and to sign up for my e-newsletter, please visit my website at http://www.house.gov/rehberg. Keep in touch.

Sincerely,
Denny Rehberg
Montana's Congressman

Too busy for photos

2011-12-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

I was hoping to get more candid pix today but it's just been too busy. Now I know why I dont take pix every year. When your are jumping back and forth and trying to keep up there is no time for fun and frivolity.
but then again..... this is what I got today.

Everybody was racing around this morning trying to get shit done. The holidays are hectic and crazy.
One BIG thing to remember while your out and about getting all pissed off because the world isn't moving fast enough for you and you need to get your holiday shit done.......................

The season isn't about rushing around..

It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
“It came without packages, boxes or bags!”
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.
“Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

OH SNAP!!!! MANta CLAUSE

2011-12-06T20:21:00.009-07:00

And believe it or not, the billboard actually exists-- its specific location is Laurel Road just west of the Moore Lane intersection behind Centennial Homes.
The billboard delves into more detail: "For my friends in Billings: To thank you for building the High Sierra Dog Park and phase two of the multiuse Heritage Trail System with your bare hands and powerful brains, I have erected this billboard as a special gift from me to you. Happy Holidays, Billings, Montana and remember that even though this type has gotten very small, I love you very much."

Thanks Ronnie for the tweet

It was so busy

2011-12-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

Contemplating what the day will bring

Oh LOOK .. more greeting cards

Dont you run from me.....!!!

The offical look of the HOliDay season.

Oh LOOK.. he is on his ... phone

Mindless Drivel at best

2011-12-05T21:46:00.001-07:00

I am finding that I like crown and water more than crown and coke. When I mix it with coke I just want to slam it down but with water I gently sip for an hour. It's more enjoyable and relaxing.

I think that my next tattoo will be a white ink tattoo. They are just so subtle and quiet.
(apparently you cant have a white ink tattoo if you like to tan so that is out)

I dont' know what the giant brown M stands for at the 27th st. Exit. It consumed my thoughts for about 10 minutes on the drive home.
(Oh yea... It means Museum.. Duh! I remembered that waking up this morning)

I think that when I get my breast augmentation that I wont be able to keep my hands off my own boobs. Which would be odd to explain at work.

When holiday shoppers are rude, impatient and mean I like to image Dexter coming up behind them with a syringe and a roll of plastic wrap.

It was so busy today I didn't have time to take a single picture, but I will share this over all feeling with you.
AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

As you are out holiday shopping remember these important tips when dealing with the hired slaves.

Never say you people unless you want something horrible to happen to your food or pictures.
Never say well at Walmart... you will never get what you are asking for.... ever.
Don't interrupt with your selfish wait on me first cuz I'm more important bull shit when the clerk is already talking to someone. This just makes you a fucking ass hole.
Don't expect your order to be moved to first just because you are from out of town. At least 50% of our customers are from out of town. Don't think that the person ahead of you is less important than you are. Maybe you just need to plan your day better.
When we are running 2 hours we are running 2 hours, don't look over us and tell us that we are not that busy and we should get it out in 15 min. You don't make any points,,, at all.!
Guess what.. Your greeting card is not the only one we are printing today.. Yes we are doing them as fast as we can. No you can not pick them up in an hour. Yes they will be ready tomorrow. And NO I don't care that you are from out of town.
And finally...
If the Holidays make you this grumpy then maybe you should reconsider be forced to participate.

Costco christmas countdown

2011-12-04T19:39:00.001-07:00

The evil frosty oversees the shoppers at Costco

A Complete Blur of activity at work today

It's up there, no.. over there,,. where is it?

Pondering his next move

Carts line up before the store opens, getting ready for the day

Where I spend my life

So many greeting cards,, so little time

The Eyes have it

Frantic holiday shoppers

Frosty says shop at Costco.

It just occured to me...............

2011-12-03T21:25:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I haven't done a Costco Christmas photo countdown for a couple of years now.
I think I need to do just that.
Juice up the battery I gots photos to take
(i wonder how the new admin would take to it. ??) (I must be very quiet... like Im hunting rabbits.)

What is the difference really............

2011-12-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

As I ponder my upcoming body changes I wonder if I am deserving of them. Yes I want to do it and Yes it scares me to death but in my little world I'm not much of a self pamperer and I don't spend hours at the spa or beauty salon. So doing something that is this self involved is difficult for me to wrap my head around. I don't even go in for much needed massages mostly because it's an hour that this person is pampering me and Im not entirely comfortable with that.
I figure my decision to do this one giant thing (well 2 actually) is no different than someone who is a spa goer, spends hours getting pedicures/manicures, getting their hair done or a person who covers themselves with Tattoos. It's just that it involves surgery. I do feel a little selfish and uncomfortable about it all but maybe its more from what people might think. Which shouldn't really matter but it does. But then again why should I be worried about be judged when the judgement probably comes from someone who spends hours at the spa/salon?

Remember when...

2011-12-03T08:23:00.001-07:00

They used to color pistachios so that we would eat them.
When old guys used to hold a door for you, (now they just push you out of the way)
Christmas shopping starting after Thanksgiving and you never saw Christmas stuff until then.
Sears used to be packed at every time of the year.
When you could take people at their word and it meant something.
When til death do you part meant that very thing.
It was ok to send your 10 year old out for Halloween with their friends and not worry about anything.
Killing someone was a more serious crime that the possession of 1 oz of Cannabis.
We weren't attached to our phones in such a matter that we panic when we cant find it for 2 minutes.
The first thing that we did when we woke up was kiss our loved ones and not check our Email.
Milk chocolate was our only option... (ick)
We had to get up off our asses to change the channel.
It was harder to get kids inside than get them outside.
Honor and integrity meant something now we are surprised we we see it.
It was more important to be honest than to lie.
You could shop for winter clothes in the winter and summer clothes in the summer.
Finding a penny in the street was something special, now you just pass it by.
You used to have time to lay down in a patch of daisy's and watch the clouds float by.
You had to wait a week for your film to be developed, now you complain that it takes an hour.
We bitched about .20 cent gas.
We had things to do that didn't involve being attached to our computers

And the winner is...................

2011-12-02T18:01:00.000-07:00

420cc.
2nd from the right. Just a big bubble now but a full D sized boob later.
We talked about how the only complaint the she had heard is that they should have gone bigger. NO one has ever said they wanted to be smaller. So that helped me in my decision to go bigger. I picked the one that I thought would be one size too big and went with that. Any bigger and I would have had to go to the bowling ball boob look that would be more like a narrow projectile jutting from my chest. NOT a look that I was going for. All the photos that I brought in of the kind of look I wanted helped me and the nurse narrow down the perfect selection for my body size and type. The Dr. seemed somewhat more interested today than my last appointment. But I was pretty scared then and today I had valid questions and he had all the answers. The details of the after care were many. I cant drive for a week. I go in the day after to be checked out and then the following week and then in 2 weeks and then in 3 weeks until he is satisfied with my progress. And since I decided to go with another procedure at the same time I cant be left alone for 48 hours. So there went my getting it done while D is away option. I will have to get everything done before the surgery like laundry, cleaning, food supplies. I wont be able to lift anything heavier than a quart of milk she said. (yikes... Im going to have to strap my arms down.)
I just need to hear from D on his exact schedule and then try to get the time off work.
(eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

I had to cancel my Dental appointment today due to migraine. I didn't want them digging and scraping with my jaw wide open while my head hurt so bad. so bummer there.

I got the scanner hooked up and tried a few scans. It does a better job than I thought it would and it is just as slow as I knew it would be. The scanning is going to take forever. But I just cant sit and do that tonight. Maybe tomorrow.
If you know the song from the dixie chicks "hello mr heartache" you can hum that as you read the rest of this post.
Hello, Mr. Migraine I've been expecting you
come in and wear your maxi pad just like you want me to
Never say if you here to stay or only passing through
Hello, Mr migraine Ive been expecting you.

Well,, they said............

2011-12-01T21:30:00.002-07:00

Someone once told me that they snorted cayenne pepper up their nose and sinusus to help relieve a migraine.
well.
tonight while eating (well, shoving it into my mouth) popcorn sprinkled with cayenne pepper I started to snort and cough uncontrollably and then I blew my nose.

O_O

ow

my eyes are still watering

Finding time

2011-12-01T09:40:00.002-07:00

I have found something that I look forward to.. Cooking.. Cooking for D that is. I don't mind spending hours preparing the food that he takes down to Wamsutter to work. Today when I got up I went right into the kitchen and started a beef stew and chili. The prep work for both took 2 hours, they are now starting the slow simmer throughout the day. I have found with the stews that I cant fit as many potatoes in as I would like to so I cook some more up and then add them to the container when I add the "stew" portion. This way there is more potato. (yea potato) This should complete his meals for next time and I don't have to hurry to get them done when he is here. This also works if I want to do another crock pot meal there will be left overs for a couple days.
I think that I lost interest in cooking way back when I was married, My X would have a fit every time I cooked something that would make the house smell .. well.. like I was cooking something. Finally after years of him telling me that I sucked at it, he started to do all the bland no flavor cooking and I cleaned up his mess. (nice) So I really lost interest. Plus it is really no fun to cook for yourself which I did in the years after my divorce. But now that I am living with D I am starting to like to cook again. He seems to like my cooking and doesn't mind if I smell up the place with the aroma of cooking food. It makes me feel good to cook for someone who really seems to like it so I try to find new things all the time and try to learn more.
So I guess it's my new hobby since I don't seem interested in Beading right now. I have thought about selling my stuff but I know I will regret it later when I want to do it again.

I still want to try to do candies for my medication but as luck would have it I cant find supplies in town to do it. Even the Cooking store didn't have anything. (Plus they cut their store in half and only have a fraction of what they used to) I guess that I need to order them on the internet. (bummer)

I feel unorganized lately.
I want to get everything put away in it's place and easy to find but I am just not making the time for it.
I think that I need to do that today. or try to after I clean the house. I was going to try to make it up to Red Lodge today to clean up there as well but I don't think there is time to do everything today and tomorrow i have appointments to keep. Maybe I will try to drive up after work next Wednesday and get the stuff up there done, It's kinda hard to just enjoy going up there when all I do is clean it.

Going to try to set up the scanner to get going on scanning my billions of negs and slides. Then I will have to carve out time to do that. It is going to be UBER time consuming but in the end I can get rid of a ton of photo clutter.
Maybe I will go back to Costco today and see about the freezer. It's not that heavy, I think I can do it by myself, plus they can keep the box for it there that way it would be more likely to fit in the back of the jeep.
(((ponder)))

I have a lot to do today,, maybe I need to make a list!!!
but first I need a shower.

haha

2011-12-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

day 3..... migraine

2011-11-30T19:17:00.002-07:00

Ya... Im tired. I resorted to Relpax tonight and oolong tea. Im not really hungry but I want something spicy but not really. laying down sounds good but I first need to package up all the delish chicken stew I made for D... It is so much better than beef. YUM!!!.. I stuck it in the fridge before I went to work today so it will be super easy to package and get into the freezer.
I was going to pick up a little chest freezer tonight after work but the thought of thinking about it was too much. How do I get it home and if it does fit into my Jeep how am I going to get it into the house and downstairs by myself. So bo..... I will wait for D to get back and we can do it together.

Senator Jon Tester already answered my letter to him.

Dear Lori,

Thank you for contacting me about the recent guidance from the U.S. Justice Department issued to federal firearms licensees. I strongly oppose these changes.
Under these restrictions, law-abiding citizens with state-issued medical marijuana licenses would be stripped of their Second Amendment rights. Gun dealers would also have to check private medical records before selling firearms or ammunition. I agree this is a clear violation of our Second Amendment rights and places an unreasonable burden on small business owners.
I wrote to Attorney General Holder and to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and Explosives. As a staunch supporter of gun rights, I urged them to reassess the new guidance and immediately back off these inappropriate and unnecessary requirements on firearm licensees.
You can read my letter online at http://tester.senate.gov/Legislation/upload/ATF-MedicalMarijuana-2011-09-28-3.pdf.
Your input is an important part of the legislative process. Please don't hesitate to contact me again if I can be of further assistance.

Sincerely,

Jon Tester
United States Senator

It's good to know that he (or his staff) is so fast in responding.

Hodge podge and dribble

2011-11-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

I got my new film/slide scanner yesterday I took it out of the box today and tried to read the instructions. I decided tomorrow might be a better day. It was like reading German and my brain is a little migraine fried and I don't want to set it up wrong, that would suck...
There is a lot of detail just in the install.
(plustek opticfilm 7600se scanner) Of course it is now $40.00 cheaper than when I ordered it but that is the way the ol DVD burns some days. Doesn't mean Im more than a little disappointed though.

Trying to set up all the dates for the surgery in January. Or February. It is all depending on when D will be here, What times the Dr has open and What times I am allowed to take off at work. I will be off for 4 weeks. Not that I will need that long but I will be on lifting restrictions for that long and I wouldn't be able to lift anything. Not paper, Not chemistry, Not boxes Not nothing. So it would just be best to take the time off since that time of year we work by ourselves most of the time I wouldn't even be able to change paper without finding someone to do it for me. So better to give some one else the hours. I have two sets of dates picked out and will talk to the Dr. on Friday to see what is open. The big problem at work is that the dates in January, the ones that I really want to take are during inventory and no one is allowed time off during inventory. And I am already trying to get time off during inventory in August so I need to decide what I want more. Boobs in January or Sturgis in August. I could always schedule the surgery after inventory in January but I will be gone Feb into March and I didn't want the surgery that late. The other option is not to have D here to take care of me and schedule the surgery right after inventory and take Feb. off. But then I might run into other people vacation and I can't take winter leave if someone is on vacation so I would have to take medical leave the whole time, which I could do in January but then I would still be gone for inventory and that would mess up trying to get off for Sturgis...
sigh..... I think I have officially driven myself insane......................!!

I fired off my letters to Tester, Baucus and (gag) Rehberg today concerning medical cannabis and the 2nd amendment. I had drafted the letter a few days ago and just fine tuned the whininess out of it and sent it off. Not that it will make any difference but at least I am still trying. Even though there are some people in the world who think that they are the one and only voice of Med. Cannabis of the entire state of Montana. (gag again)
I now think that the fight is less on the state level and more on the Federal level. There will be no change unless Washington is forced to change by the will of the people. But then again Washington these days seems to be more about suppressing the will of the people and ruling by force and intimidation.

Scrooged is on tonight..... I love scrooged......... (with Bill Murray)

I started a chicken stew tonight and now I am thinking oops.... I started it late and I need to get to bed early and it's not going to be done and "oh shit".. I suppose I could let it simmer all night and into tomorrow night, after all it is a crock pot stew maybe a slow simmer will bring out it's already awesome flavor. I may have to do that. (it does taste good,, yummy) Most all of it will be frozen for D to take to work next time he goes there. I will of course hold a little back for myself because.... Damn... it's good!!

I've always liked this wall

2011-11-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

The lighting is a little poor but I have always thought this was a cool wall and am glad no one has painted over it. I suppose it's just a matter of time. We used the wall as a background when I was taking pictures of D and son in Red Lodge.

Holiday countdown

2011-11-25T16:26:00.002-07:00

I got back from Red Lodge today and after 2 trips to the grocery store I have finally completed 2 stews and a pot of chili. My second trip to the post apocalyptic grocery store was for Celery and Potatoes. It is impossible to cook a beef stew without these items. I was forced to buy a roast to cut up on the first trip because there was absolutely no meat in the cooler. The second trip there they were starting to fill it up again and had some chopped meat for stews but I had already bought the roast and dumped $100 so..... I will have to take a little extra time to cut up the roast in little squares.

I have never had any reason to worry about my phone laying around. I don't have anything to hide so most of the time it is just laying out. The other day I noticed that there was a text that had already been opened. Since there was just me and D there I can only assume that he looked at my text. Which is no big deal Aaron from work was just wishing me a happy Bday, but it is out of character for "D" to do something like that. Especially since it was in my purse at the time. I don't even plan on bringing it up cuz there is no reason to start a fight over something that was inconsequential. It was just a little weird and I wonder what he would think he would find. I know that he guards his phone like a starving dog with a juicy new bone, and quite frankly I don't need my heart ripped to shreds by looking at his phone content because no doubt in my mind there are plenty of reasons he guards it so closely. I just choose to ignore it all, It just works better that way.

Black Friday and only groceries for me. I kinda scanned for stuff on line but Im not much interested in buying much. I Have too much on the credit cards and need to pay them down. Plus I ordered the slide scanner to scan all my negs and slides so that I can throw away all my hard copies. After I am done with all that I will probably sell it on Craigs list or Ebay.

Took some pictures of D and son on Thanksgiving with their snowboards. Once again my exposures suck. Even when I let the camera do it all. One shot looks great the next is all blown out the next is all dark. Acck!.. I will have to wait until next bonus to get a new camera though. I just need to be patient. (whatever that is)

A retired DEA friend of mine is working with me to try to get a gun permit. He has given me several web sites to go to and people to write to try for an exemption. He is even planning on talking to the Sheriff for me to see exactly what I can do to take his survival course and have a firearm. He thinks it is appalling that the ATF took it upon themselves to do this to medical cannabis patients. People have a right to protect themselves. And I agree.

Well.. I gotta get going on photo shopping all the pictures I took yesterday. It's gonna take awhile.

I am 50 Today

2011-11-23T13:40:00.001-07:00

Shot from the past.

2011-11-15T21:19:00.001-07:00

Haven't seen the deer in days ... is making me a sad camper.

Scanning photos and bringing up old memories.

Me on my first bike. Aren't I cute.

That is me in front. The little cutie with the red checked shirt, Tracy is behind me and Tammy is to the right.

Oolong tea

2011-11-14T07:54:00.000-07:00

Blurbs from the internet world:

The concentrations of caffeine, individual catechins and other polyphenols were also measured producing these interesting findings;
• The caffeine and EGCG content was much higher in the green tea versus the oolong tea.
• The concentration of polymerized polyphenols was significantly higher in the oolong tea versus the green tea.
These findings show that it's the polymerized polyphenols, highest in oolong tea, that link tea to burning fat, not just the caffeine or just the combination of caffeine and EGCGs. Furthermore, the rest of the compounds compared in the teas were similar or equal to one another with no marked differences, reinforcing the results.
We have shown that oolong tea significantly increases EE for up to as much as 120 minutes and can even promote preferential use of fat as an energy source making it a healthy tool for reducing and maintaining weight. So what about absorption of nutrients?
Oolong tea's effect on blocking the absorption of fats and carbohydrates is thought to play a key role in its weight reducing benefits. While more studies need to be done, initial studies indicate that oolong tea has absorption blocking potential.
There are proven methods for losing weight and keeping it off; exercise, getting enough sleep and eating a balanced diet. Oolong tea can enhance these positive changes and garner faster results.

From what I have been reading Oolong tea along with green tea also helps lower cholesterol. Something I definitely need help with. Although my good cholesterol is very high I am still watching it closely. I would like to be healthy and vibrant for the next half of my life. (hopefully)
I prefer the loose leaf teas but also buy ready to brew tea for convenience.
I found a new tea site.. haven't ordered from it yet though

Feeling a bit .......... off

2011-11-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

Not feeling so good about myself these days.
With the recent run in with the family unit and not liking the way my body is accepting 50, I feel a bit like Jaba the Hut at a buffet.

Right now I don't even want to think about my family. They said things that hurt me even though my only concern was for my Mom who it turns out is being a bit of a back stabbing bitch. So... I think that even more distance is required if I am to survive.
I am not at all happy with my sisters or my mom right now. But from what they tell me I am the bad daughter and the terrible sister for my lack of compassion. That is still burning like a branding iron shoved up my ass. But in my defense it's my family that has made me hoard my feelings and show no emotion. This was the status quo growing up.
I think that this last visit ripped what was left of my heart out for this family. or this dysfunctional bitch feast. The decisions they make are now their own. I will no longer participate in that process.

And then there is my narcissistic desire not to look my age. Ya Im 50.. No I don't really look it but since my appendix was removed my lower belly just hasn't been the same and no amount of exercise seems to be helping that at all. In fact it just gets worse everyday. I can hardly stand to even look anymore. (quiver). If you would have asked me 10 years ago I would have told you that I would never considered plastic surgery. But now I just dont like what I see. And since I obviously have social issues and no real outstanding personality or compassion, I feel that all I have to make a good first impression is what you see. Of course my fantasy list of what I would want done first isn't my boobs. First would be my neck and chin area. If I were to slip into Heidi Montages mindset for a moment that would be my first concern, second would be my belly and hips.. these are places I seem to have the most problems with and absolutely hate the most. I used to think that exercise will fix it. Now I know that is not the case, exercise can not fix this, I really do think that when I got my appendectomy it really did something to my tummy muscles and now they just dont want to cooperate at all. I could starve myself to skin and bones and still have this horrible pooch.. (ug , i just hate it).. the fat around my hips I have always had. There is no getting rid of that. Even at the height of my exercising it was there. and finally would be the boobs. Not my first choice but at least it is in the top 3, Problem is after looking at all the Boob jobs and liposuction and Abdominoplasty photos I feel even worse about myself.
I know that D wants me to feel better about myself with the boobs and everything but I know that even with the breast enhancement all I am going to see is my fat gut. (I know I have a very poor body image, just work with me people) The thing that scares me the most about a tummy tuck is the scar.. Not the surgery or the pain but the scar from hip to hip. And if I choose Lipo then I run the risk of having to come in for the tuck anyway because 50 year old skin doesn't bounce back the way it used to. I could probably cover the scar with a tattoo, which would work but I really don't know.
Right now I just want to crawl into a hole anyway so why does all this even matter.?? ..!!
I need to make another appointment with the Boob Dr and talk about size again and I will talk to him again about tummy tuck/ lipo for the spots I really hate. I know that D doesn't really want me to go that route but If I am going to go through the Boob job I might as well cross something off my list that I would like to fix. It would take me a while to pay it off but ...... ??
Oh hell....
I just wish I felt better about myself.
I am feeling more than a little displaced lately.

YouTube video

2011-11-12T18:46:00.002-07:00

Old Pictures

2011-11-12T08:04:00.002-07:00

This is a picture of the back of the house I grew up in. My cat Candy in the snow and our multi colored pant job on the house. And of course for additional interest,, The broken down Chevy pickup in the yard.
Ahh.... the memories.

A long day

2011-11-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

The big appointment was today and it went much better than any of us thought it would. Turns out Mom doesn't have Alzheimer's she is just suffering from all of her strokes and possibly sleep apnea. Which he said could contribute to her forgetfulness. They all decided that she could still drive and they decided that her living arraignment with Tammy being there is fine and as long as they don't kill each other it will be that way until one of them dies. I'm glad things are not as dire as Mom lead them to be, The Dr suggested that Tammy come with mom for her other appointments so that Mom gets the instructions right. It was annoying listening to Tammy and Tracy continuously talk over each other with their opinions, When the Dr asked me my thoughts they would correct my answers and talk while I was. It got to the point I just sat and listened. But that is how I thought it would roll anyway.. Afterwards Tracy was dictating what should be done and I simply said it would be good for you and Mom to get that done this afternoon. (buying her a pay as you go cell phone and other misc things to simplify moms appointments.) They all went to lunch and I went to Red Lodge to check on Doug's house there. I got back here around 230ish.. I made the mistake of laying on the couch in the sunshine and fell immediately asleep until about 5ish when Mom called to see where I was. Needless to say I didn't go over. We made plans to meet up on Sunday for dinner.
So now I sit here with body aches and chills, no appetite, one of those sick headaches and still tired... I tried to eat some soup but even that was a no go. I settled for some Oolong tea.
I dug out some old photo albums and started scanning the older photos that I have that are from 110 and 126 film. I am scanning away and then my scanners starts failing.. Internal error blah blah blah..
I kept restarting it and trying again. hopefully it will hold out until I get these done. Once I'm done with these I will have the negs and slides to scan and for that I will need to buy the slide scanner. I am still putting it off but I think it's time to get it going with it. It will take me a few months to get all that scanning done. I don't plan on doing it all at once but in sections. This is a major project.
After that I can condense more of my crap. I really don't need all these albums if I have everything scanned to digital.

Please make mine 2 doubles but in the same glass with 3 ice cubes

2011-11-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my first family adventure of the weekend.
Just as I thought would happen Tammy was unable to pick Tracy up at the airport. WHY?? Who really knows.
So I drive across town to mom's house passing the airport on the way, pick mom up and head back to the airport.
Everything seems all friendly as Tracy arrives and we all head back to Mom's..
Once there I ask Tammy if she wants to go to dinner with us, she responds with an almost inaudible NO!.. (ok.. whatever.)
We sit around and chat for a bit then head to Apple bees for dinner. (sticking finger down throat making gagging sounds.)
The dinner conversation was friendly at first but quickly deteriorated just like it always does.
Tracy is going on and on about Tammy and her OCD Hoarding disorder and what can be done, I was told that I needed to be more understanding about Tammy's disability. ???? WTF?
I couldn't give a rats ass about Tammy's problems. My only concern is with Mom. At that point I made the mistake of saying the environment that Tammy is causing is bad for mom which is why I have been trying to get her to look into other living arraignments.
At that point my Mom let me know in no uncertain terms that she DOES NOT want to go to one of those places, she goes on to say she cant afford it and I again told her that she may be able to if we just checked the finances. Wrong again. I was told that it is a big no and that is that. Ok I said, I will not bring it up ever again. At that point Tracy let me know that Mom's "vents" to her that I am not doing enough to help ... ??? WTF!!!!! of course I am not over there when Tammy has such fits whenever I come by and Tracy goes on to say that is not what I heard... WTF again.. To that I said excuse me?!!! What do you mean by that!!!.. nothing she says.. to that I just said "are we done here"? and I started to gather my stuff to leave. Tracy also tells me that I didn't do enough to help when Mom was sick... I explained to the both of them that I was working when Mom needed help. I need 3 weeks notice to get time off not a couple of hours, I am not going to spend the nights there while Tammy is at work, if mom needed that kind of care she should have a nurse come by. I know that all sounds harsh but I am not a caregiver.. I am not able to care for my Mom in that way. Some people do a great job at it while others just cant do it. Tammy took on this whole responsibility when she moved in on mom and called herself her caregiver. If Tammy wasn't there things would be different, but she is living there.
So In a nutshell I believe my Mom is working all us girls against each other. And Tracy is just as bad by coming to town and stirring up trouble and then leaving without helping with anything.
Apparently I am a horrible daughter and sister because I want mom to be in better surroundings. And of course I dont come over much when I am greeted with raw hostility from Tammy. But apparently I am suppose to be the one who is more understanding and compassionate when it comes to Tammy's mental illness. Really..?? Am I the one who moved in on Mom 12 years ago and hasn't paid a dollar in rent or even helped with the utilities or food?.. Fuck that. She is 52 years old.. She shouldn't be living off her Mommie, This is just ridiculous.
I suppose that in a year or two when Mom gets sicker and sicker or suffers from another stroke and we are all scrambling to find her a place they might understand why I am trying to get the details ironed out now instead of when we don't have any time at all. But when that happens I am more than sure no one will be there to help me. It will be like when no one had time to help me with Dad's funeral but they had plenty of time to criticize me on all the mistakes that I made.
I dont like my Family
And
I don't think I want to go there anymore.

Just staring

2011-11-10T13:26:00.001-07:00

and listening to the dogs bark and bark and bark acrooss the street.
Did I mention that the dogs are barking?? non stop..
Gosh I hope a stray bullet does not pierce their beanie little heads this hunting season.. I might even be concerned.
I cant seem to get warm today, Even after my intense workout this morning, which by the way is still talking to me. I am pretty sore in the core so to speak. and thighs, ((ow)) did a ton of squats today. My whole body is still a jitter. I should have backed off just a bit mostly because I tend to get super bad workout migraines but I pushed past my usual stopping point due to the fact I am still fat. :(
and yes,,, I am getting a migraine from the workout plus I got my hair colored this morning and the smell of that gives me headaches too. So when I was trying to decide whether or not I have 2 hours to whiten my teeth or make some coffee and do nothing..... I well chose the coffee and nothing. not like whitening your teeth is a strenuous activity , it's just if I do that I am committed for 2 hours with nothing to drink but water and I feel as if I have had enough water today.
Its going to be hard dealing with my sisters this afternoon and tomorrow, so doing nothing with a warm coffee sounds pretty good.
Don't get me wrong.... I really do dislike my sisters. A LOT.. I know they are family but I have had it with them. When the inevitable happens and my Mom passes away I will have no further contact with them,,,,,,, ever.

The other day on the way to work I noticed an dirty, beat up car in front of me. It really wasn't that old but you could tell it hadn't been taken care of at all. It looked like the driver (a women with a cigarette in her face) didn't have a lot of money and not to offend anyone by saying this..... She looked poor. (can I still even say that in this politically correct police state?) I got to thinking that just because she is poor why doesn't she take care of the things that she has. It would take a little effort and not really any money to keep a vehicle and herself clean. When I was growing up we were dirt poor. We ate out of our garden and wore hand me downs and even went without eating sometimes. But we were always clean and took care of what we had, We kept the yard mowed, removed the trash, and washed our vehicles. I really don't think that being poor is an good enough excuse to be dirty and lazy.
But I guess anymore it's worthwhile (and easier) to play the whole part than it is to be responsible and clean.

Mind boggling

2011-11-09T19:44:00.001-07:00

As we go on with our day to day crap sometimes we for get about things that are really important. I know that I do. I forget that there is life out side my circle and I forget sometimes when I am tied up in my own stress that there is real battles being fought and lost everyday.
I read the Gazette article today about Lisa, the daughter of my friend Dan and his beautiful wife Carla.
I knew of their struggles and gave him a hug every time I saw him.
Today I heard that Lisa passed away last Saturday. I found out while I was at work and found the paper in break room and read the article trying not to cry while I read.
The last time I talked to Dan the word was good, it is unsettling how quickly things can all change.
My heart goes out to Dan and Carla and to all who knew Lisa and were touched by their lives.
Go to the story and read.. Help if you can

Hearty Chicken Stew with Butternut Squash & Quinoa Recipe

2011-11-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

Hearty Chicken Stew with Butternut Squash & Quinoa Recipe

Yield: Serves 6

From the kitchen of Cookin Canuck. www.cookincanuck.com

Ingredients

1 1/2 lb. butternut squash, peeled, seeded & chopped into 1/2-inch pieces
3 1/2 cups chicken broth
1 1/2 lb. boneless, skinless chicken thighs
1 tbsp olive oil
1 medium yellow onion, finely chopped
1/2 tsp kosher salt
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 1/2 tsp dried oregano
1 can (14 oz) petite diced tomatoes
2/3 cup uncooked quinoa
3/4 cup pitted and quartered kalamata olives
Freshly ground black pepper, to taste
1/4 cup minced fresh flat-leaf parsley

Instructions

Steam the butternut squash until barely tender, about 10 minutes. Remove half of the squash pieces and set aside.
Steam the remaining squash until very tender, an additional 4 to 6 minutes. Mash this squash with the back of a fork. Set aside.
In a large saucepan set over medium-high heat, bring the chicken broth to a simmer.
Add chicken thighs, cover, and cook until chicken is cooked through, about 15 minutes.
Transfer the chicken thighs to a plate and allow to cool. Pour broth into a medium-sized bowl.
Return the saucepan to the stovetop and lower heat to medium. Add olive oil.
Add onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until onion is starting to turn brown, 8 to 10 minutes.
Add minced garlic and oregano. Cook, stirring, for 1 additional minute.
To the saucepan, add tomatoes, butternut squash pieces, mashed butternut squash. Stir to combine.
Stir in reserved chicken broth and quinoa. Bring to a simmer, cover and cook until the quinoa turns translucent, about 15 minutes.
Shred the chicken with your fingers or a fork.
Stir the chicken, olives and pepper into the stew and simmer, uncovered, to heat, about 5 minutes.
Stir in parsley and serve.

A little inspiration

2011-11-07T06:22:00.000-07:00

That's just crazy talk

2011-11-06T21:05:00.003-07:00

I went to pick my Mom up for lunch the other day, My icky sister was there sitting in the recliner all hunched in and twisting her feet in a weird way, She wouldn't even look at me when I was talking directly to her. She looked crazy. After we left I asked mom about it and she said that she is like that a lot but worse when I come over or am coming over or there. (great) .. I have asked my Mom before if she feels safe with her there like that and she said she is fine, she just ignores her like she is a spoiled child. Which I suppose she is mentally. I had the usual discussions with Mom... Trying to get her to even look into assisted living and now she wants nothing to do with it again. I was surprised to find out that she takes home more than I do in a month. But she wants to wait until she HAS to go to one of those places.. What bothers me is no one wants to make a plan. Everybody but me just wants to ride it out until Mom has no choice but to live with professional assistance. And again I am the bad one for wanting to pre plan and get ready for the inevitable. I am so tired of hitting this brick wall. Right now it isn't a huge priority, Mom has her good days and bad days. At lunch she was spot on with what she was thinking and saying. Next time it could be different, It goes back and forth. There is no real way of telling when she will no longer be able to live in her apartment without assistance. I don't think my sister will be able to care for her when she gets real bad with the Alzheimer's, not many people are able to deal with that in a home care situation.
I am just getting frustrated and maybe I need to step back again and let those 3 make the decisions. The stress is making me irritable and giving me migraines. So I need to just let them decide.
We also talked about her Alzheimer's and how it runs in the family. How her sister and mom and grandmother all ended up with it. It's a scary fact that it does run in families. And I could get all paranoid that it is why I have trouble remembering but I think it's just the medical cannabis. I have noticed that I am not as sharp witted and quick as I was before starting cannabis. So I know for a fact that it does slow the brain down a bit. But in reality, it is a possibility that I to will end up on my Mothers path. But then again maybe not. The future isn't written in stone.

Left overs

2011-11-04T21:19:00.001-06:00

I am not sure why I think that buying a new camera is bad or being irresponsible. Especially with the issues I have been having with my old one. But for some reason I don't think I deserve one because I don't shoot that much anymore. Or maybe I would shoot more if my camera worked better.
It is a conundrum.

I find it funny while searching out waterproof vibrators on Amazon it brings up video cameras. HAHA!

I made Jambalaya for the first time tonight... I was so good. YUM!!

I waste a lot of time on Pintrest... I can't stop... It's like crack.

With the amount of weight I have gained over the last 6 years I wonder if a Boob job is the way to go. I feel too fat for that right now. I need to work harder... If I could just get rid of 15lbs of fat that would be great. Instead I am loosing boobage. I will have to go in for another consultation for sure.
I found this photo of a 10lb dif. It doesn't seem like a lot but it sure maks a big difference. But if you notice she lost boobage too..
Trouble is I weigh 150 and would like to be 130ish (again) Not a lot to ask but I know I will feel better about myself if I was closer to 130ish.

Made a run up to Red Lodge today.. Wish I could actually enjoy the place up there but it sure seems that all I do is clean this place, run to appointments and work.
I really need to win the lottery to be able to enjoy life again. There isn't enough time in a month to do everything that I want to do. I shove everything I need to get done into 4 days off and the other 4 days off I spend with "D"...
It's frustrating that there just isn't enough time.

I think I will call her George

2011-11-03T22:26:00.000-06:00

now I think she is just taunting me.

Video of a small Doe who has made the backyard her home. Yes I give her pumpkins.

New workout Video

2011-11-02T09:55:00.001-06:00

Tracy Anderson "Mat workout"
I was going to do this workout this morning thinking it would be a bit more intense.
I pre watch most new workout vids to make sure I want to do them and this one might go into the "I dont really want to workout but I will do this video just to say that I did" pile.
Despite the music being slow and lame like massage styled music, She looked like she was having little seizures while working out. It was just weird to I opted for the intense cardio tread mill and leg work.
I think I made the better choice.
I may have fallen asleep if I did this one. It might (might) be a good after work kind of workout/cool down/stretch.. But some of the things she was saying seems to go against all the NEW fitness stuff I have been reading on line. So who knows...
It is all a mystery to me.

Pumpkins

2011-11-01T22:05:00.001-06:00

After work tonight I went to the store and picked up 3 pumpkins. They were huge. (about 15lbs a piece.)
I got home and opened the back garage door to break open one and toss it in the yard for the deer to eat. To my surprise and to the surprise of the doe grazing in the backyard we had just entered each others space. She watched me as I broke open the pumpkin by smashing it onto the ground (not a delicate task) I tossed the pumpkins as far out as I could which ended up being at the end of the deck. Damn.. I know if I move to trow them out further she will run off so I left them there, literally right next to the porch and deck. So I unloaded the rest of the pumpkins and took them into the house. By the time I got to the kitchen the little Doe was munching away on the broken pumpkin. I watched her devour the entire thing, I took a few really bad photos and when she finished her meal she took her spot under the big tree and fell asleep.

It's just the coolest thing ever. Next year I am planting way more pumpkins... WAY MORE

I am sitting at the corner of pondering and procrastination

2011-11-01T09:58:00.001-06:00

I know I know I dont blog about my """"feelings"""" much any more, mostly because they scare me when I write them down so I will just leave some of them bouncing around in my brain.

I cant decided on buying a slide scanner, not because the functionality of it isn't needed.... It's mostly because I cant really decide if saving memories is even worth it. Some days it is very important but other days it's just not. Like I don't care. And mostly,,, I don't..
Do I really want to spend $350 of my hard earned money and hundreds of hours scanning just to file these """memories""" away in a smaller space that I really cant call my own.
and why do I feel this way? I still dont feel comfortable, I carefully walk around the edges feeling like the outsider or an invader. There is more to it but I will just leave it at that.

I cant seem to make cornbread.. Every time I have tried I have failed. It looks easy enough but I cant bake either so maybe there is a correlation to all of that. I will try a new mix and hope for the best, doing it from scratch isn't an option since I dont have success from a box there is no way it will work from scratch.

I dont do "change" well. I don't like surprises. My adjustment time is longer than most peoples. That is my life.. There is no way to change this. I have always been this way. Getting mad at me doesn't help.

I am going to be 50 in 22 days. Age shouldn't be concern. How I feel about my life and it's lack of direction is. I have a lot of things I haven't done and now know are not possible. Things that I loved to do are no longer of any importance. I know that this milestone in my life will come and go just like my 40th did.

I don't feel close to my family and I keep everybody else at a safe distance. It's lonely here..... but I have made my own prison.

My fitness isn't coming along the way I had hoped. My plans to workout everyday to get to where I need to be are put on hold for 2 weeks at a time. There is no way for this to work and get the body that I want. I work out like crazy for 2 weeks just to loose it all in the next 2. I find it all very depressing. So I can either work out like crazy for 2 weeks to get no where or maybe I should just not do anything and get fat. Both ways it's a lose lose. There really is no point to this and it's not what I wanted to do.

I enjoy feeding the backyard deer pumpkins at night even though I don't see them.
Finding no trace of pumpkins in the morning makes me feel like they need me, even though they really don't.

OH Deer......(and fall)

2011-10-28T22:06:00.000-06:00

Fall Drive with my sweetie

2011-10-22T21:36:00.002-06:00

Alzheimer's

2011-10-16T20:29:00.000-06:00

There is a lot of emotion when your Mom tells you that she has Alzheimer's. Of course the first thing that I do is hit the internet for information. My mom cant tell me alot about what her Dr. said. The Dr. has set up an appointment for all of us to meet and talk about what is going on and the options.
I don't know if I am in denial but the symptoms that they list for Alzheimer's don't really fit my mom. I just don't see the things on the list. I was assuming that her forgetfulness was from her stroke. But I guess I will have to wait for the appointment to know what is really going on. In the mean time I worry about her. She is very upset over this news.
Her Mom had this and she watched her slowly slip away from reality, having the mentality of a child.

When I was a teenager my Mom tried to kill herself. Not once but twice. I was the only child left in the house and I was the one to find her each time. At each of these events neither of my sisters was there to help even after I called them and asked for them to come over, I had to handle it on my own.
My Mom is not a fighter and this is what worries me the most. She has already given up since hearing the news. I keep remeinding her to fight it, That they have medications and exercises that she can do, but she never did the exercises after her stoke so having her do it now probably wont happen.
The other day when we were having lunch she made the comment that there wont be a lot of lunches left. I asked her what she meant by that and she just shook her head. She told me how unhappy she was with my sister living with her and that this isn't how she wanted her life to be like. She wanted her life back.
I tried to talk to her again about moving into a retirement complex and for the first time I wasn't met with a "NO"...
I worry about my mom... her stability and her mental state. I want her to be safe and happy and I seem to be the only one in our family who thinks that she would be happier and safer in a place where she can have a positive force around her and help when she needs it.
If she really does have Alzheimer's then they would be able to have classes and workshops that she could attend to help keep her mind going because I know she will never do anything on her own.
But I was sternly voted down before. Everyone seemed to think I just don't want the responsibility of taking care of her when in fact I think that the opposite is true. I want her to be safe and happy in a productive environment with help from people who know what to do. I don't have any alternative motives. I don't want to "put her away" like they seem to think. I am trying to be responsible and do what is right for her and I know that the stress she is under having my crazy sister live with her does more harm than good. But Mom will never do anything to make her move out because it's her daughter and even though she makes Mom miserable she would rather know that she is ok. (this topic I was asked to stay out of from my mom and other sister so I don't butt in about it anymore.)

But for now I can only wait and see what her Dr. has to say.

Back Yard safari

2011-10-12T19:20:00.000-06:00

HOly CraP BatMan!!

2011-10-12T13:43:00.001-06:00

I went in for my "cosmetic" sclerotherapy injections this morning..
Good news is all the other "issues" that I have been having are normal. They told me that my legs are very angry and each time I have a "procedure" it will take up to 6 months to heal, and I don't have any blood clots, that is the good news.
The bad news is that the "procedure' today was extremely painful, hug a pillow yell into it painful. The only thing that I have experienced that hurt more is my cortisone injections in my feet. But even then they dont inject 10 needles full of burning hot magma into my tiny little veins.
I am wiped out. No migraine today but all that pain has exhausted me. Mentally and physically.
They told me it was going to hurt more because the veins on on the surface along with all my little angry nerve endings. They were right. ... It hurt..
HOLY CRAP did it hurt.... I wanted to curl up into a ball and whimper afterwards.
These will take 6 monthsish to heal. They recommend that I don't look too closely at them because they will look like hell for awhile.
And of course NO TANNING... I am definitely going to be Whitey Von Pinkershine for sure. One of the gals there has done the spray on tan thing and she explained the process. Personally I think I will wait and do the sunbed. The spray on sounds gross, I would rather be white.

Another good news is my workouts are going well... I look forward to them everyday.. I can go longer and lift more now which is encouraging. I have been going slow with it to start so that I don't hurt my back and it seems to be working, although I was doing some burpees yesterday and it definitely hurt the back so I switched to the one leg version.
Haven't even wanted a drink for a few days so that is good too. Cutting out the booze should help greatly in the weight loss as well.

Bad news is a dropped a bottle of tincture again. I have done this way too many times. It's like gold so to see it splattered all over the floor was heartbreaking. Well,, maybe not heartbreaking but it is a giant bummer.

Sometimes

2011-10-11T22:52:00.000-06:00

I have to look at cute and pretty things to know that there is still a reason.....................

Photo's from my pinstrest site.

No one said that Costco Wasn't a good place to work

2011-10-10T22:10:00.000-06:00

Costco is a great place to work as a whole. They pay us well, our benefits are great, it's a stable company.
But that doesn't mean that an entire stores morale cant be driven into the depths of hell.
It's usually quiet a shake up when a store gets new management. HE (or she) Seems to think that they have to rush in like a pit bull and piss in every single corner snarling and growling all the way. That is somewhat expected. But when new management makes everyone in the warehouse so incredibly miserable that Supervisors and Managers are stepping down and moral in the entire warehouse sucks.... then there is a problem with management.
Every where I go I hear a new story or event that makes the entire warehouse quiver in fear or disbelief.
When people are constantly harassed and complained to without a single atta boy ever, then morale suffers. When you try to tell the manager of the machine issue and he just walks away, morale suffers, When you are basically ignored when the boys club has a meeting in the dept, morale suffers, When you are talking as a group and he not once,, not twice,,, but 3 different times turns his back towards you and excludes you from the conversation,,, welll,,,,
now I just have to say fuck you! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU!!!
He is rude and arrogant and amazingly from what I have heard he wonders why the employees haven't warmed up to him. Maybe it's because he treats people like shit on his shoe,,, THAT'S WHY!!
As he enters the dept today my kiss ass coworker nuzzles right up to him stepping all over me to get there spouting numbers numbers number trying to impress Caesar. Of course I get another back to my face, the body language screaming at me to just go away..so I did.. I really don't need to be treated like an unperson from him. What is really a kicker is that he doesn't seem concerned concerned that we have 2 machines down! doesn't even ask about them.. Is he concerned that one has been down for over a week?? no.. He just wants someone to kiss his ass with numbers and then have the ancillary manager tell me that the Yes video on the counter has to be moved because it is too messy....
O_O
First of all he could have told me that himself but instead he requires minion to do it.
And second....
How is uncluttering the counter more important than gaining information on why our processor is still down.???? seriously fucked up.................
I will just stay away from that one. He doesn't seem interested in anything I have to say or contribute even if it's to tell him his hair is on fire. From now on when he comes into the dept for his boys club meeting I will just find something else to do or go on break. I have no intentions of kissing up to this rude piece of work. Not that I ever would anyway... It's just not what I do. And anyone who expects that from his workers is just a power hungry jerk.
I'll just do my job and stay out of his way.

How to get motivated

2011-10-10T09:42:00.001-06:00

Time for change is here. Since I hate my fat 50 year old body I really need to get going seriously on my workouts. I have been doing some but not to the extent that I used to in the past. I could buy more DvD's and other crap but I know that the motivation that I need has to come from within not from a box.
I finally looked at a photo last night that D took of me the other day when we were on a bike ride. One of those Biker Boobie shots....
I was shocked how fat my belly looked in the photo, I was so disgusted with myself. I suppose that is going to be my giant motivator to get with the program.
First is to STOP drinking. Like I have said before I drink too much but now that is going to stop TODAY!!!
Changing my diet to be even more restrictive. Cut out the Fat as much as I can. Veggies fish and black beans will be the mainstay.. Cut back on portions.
I know that going into the winter months fat intake and portion control are going to be the hardest thing ever but if I put that awful picture up as a motivator I think that it will be easier. How depressing that picture was. And my workout this morning was less than productive due to my last night with CROWN.. (hungover yes that would be the reason)

So that is it.... My motivator is my own fatness. And it's time for it to go.

To all of you that told me that "The Bridesmaids" was a super fantastic funny movie...
You are all fucked.
It's a Chick Flick filled with crap. I can't believe I watched the whole thing thinking that it was going to get funny at any time if I just be patient.
It never happened!!
I will never have that time back. EVER!!

Ug... my leg hurts.

2011-10-09T20:26:00.000-06:00

Over the past several months I have been getting my varicose veins fixed. But after the
sclerotherapy treatments last month my legs have been hurting so much that at times I can hardly stand it.
I have been putting off calling because I have another appointment on Wed. to take care of the spider veins. Now I am reconsidering having them shoot more of the stuff into my legs. Not only does every treatment give me an optical migraine from hell but with the effects that I am feeling now I don't want another 6 months of this kind of pain. It feels not only like the feeling you get when your whole legs falls asleep but also like someone hit me as hard as they could in my thigh.
I am hoping that it is not a blood clot mostly because that is one of the problems with this kind of treatment. Hopefully not but I am now becoming concerned. But I will call tomorrow and still go in on Wednesday and see what the deal is.
It may be all normal until it all heals up but it would be nice to hear them say that so my nerves are calmed.

I made chili spiced pumpkin seeds tonight and I cant stop eating them. YUMMY!!!

I have super cramps again today... SUPER!! haven't had that in a while.
With an added bonus of mini Migraines... usually it's the other way around. Funny how things work sometimes.

The air was heavy this morning when I drove to work. The refineries smoke was heavy and thick and made me remember how much pollution all the 5 refineries put out. ( I am counting MPC and the sugar refinery) Even though the way all the smoke played in the morning light was intriguing,, The reality of the pollution was undeniable. What a dirty town Billings is. Dirty with it's refineries and it's lack of tolerance and truthfulness from it's city council, county, and most all other administrators. Billings is a fly trap for the close minded Republicans and Tea party who's agenda to kill free will, advanced thinking and democracy is in full swing. I never paid much attention to politics in the past but in the last year I have noticed that most of these politicians are busy taking away the rights of the people and replacing them with their narrow minded agenda.
They have taken away from me my right to bear arms just because I am a medical cannabis patient. I am more responsible than 90% of people in the entire world when it comes to guns BUT now they tell me that just because I am going against the federal governments view on alternative medicine that I am denied my constitutional rights.
It's perfectly ok for me to drink down an 18 pack of old Milwaukee beer, jump into my suped up 4WD pickup, spot light a few road signs and blast the hell out of them... But how dare I try a medical alternative and own a gun.. A gun that is always in a safe place and that has never subject to unsafe gun handling. It has never shot out a road sign, It has never been involved in a robbery, It has never threatened another person in any way.
But OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT now says that I am no longer ALLOWED to protect myself with a firearm. I have been around guns my entire life. It's my constitutional right to bear arms and protect myself. But I guess the government has other ideas. I fully expect my next right to be abolished is my right to vote, NOT as a woman but one who chooses an alternative medicine.
Our Federal Government is loosing it's clout when it comes to the war on drugs and mostly on Cannabis. The people of the world know the truth and all the crap that the Federal government is doing to attack medical cannabis patients will backfire. It's only a matter of time. As they strip away my rights as a medical cannabis user their next step will be you.
This whole thing is just wrong.
If they would just tell the truth on cannabis, open it all up for more research and take it off of schedule 1 status the whole world would be a better place.
I am just so tired of all the lies and the hate..
It's just so.......
1930's

Something super tasty

2011-10-08T21:14:00.001-06:00

For the past couple of weeks Ive been watching a recipe being shown on our Costco TV loop for a grilled corn salad.
I finally tried it tonight with a few changes.
First I don't have a grill but I bought a cast iron grill that I used to grill the corn. It took about 45 minutes but it turned out great.
The original recipe called for Lime, Butter, Chili powder, salt to be mixed together and then brushed on the corn before cooking. This I did.
The original recipe then called for a red pepper, red onions, fresh cilantro, olive oil, salt and Cayenne.
Mine differed from there.. I used. green pepper, bunching onions, tomato's, Black beans, dried cilantro, salt, fresh jalapeno, and a lot of cayenne. No oil
It was so frickin good I almost ate the whole bowl of it. It is a side dish so it can go with anything. Tonight I put it on nachos.

YUM!!!

Glacier Lake Trail

2011-10-07T14:59:00.000-06:00

My trip today up to the Beartooths was met with a closed Pass so I went up Glacier trail road instead. I am having trouble with my camera so the exposures really suck to the point I tried some photoshop actions to help them out a little.
But here they are, in all their poorly exposedness...
not my best work for sure but it was nice getting outside in the rain and getting a little mud on my shoes.


cross process action

Cross process action

Just as I thought.

2011-10-06T19:48:00.000-06:00

I took my old Digital SLR for a serious workout today.
I shot, adjusted, shot again, adjusted again, changed every conceivable setting on the camera for the same shot and came out with the same out come.
CRAP!!!
I even reverted to factory settings only to continue to get crap. Kept changing lenses and then CRAP again.
No surprise really,,, I have been fighting with exposure settings for a few years now making my photography outlet a less than desirable mode of relaxation.
BUT... a new camera is a big deal. And an expensive deal. Not to mention maybe making the decision not to bother with another BIG DSLR and just keep to the tiny little point and shoots.
I suppose I have to consider how often I actually get out to shoot these days.
Hardly ever actually.
I used to spend hours every week taking photos. I used to go on Photo safaris into the mountains and stay there for a few days just shooting everything that I saw.
Plus the reality of it all is that I really don't do anything with my photography. It just sits in data files or I have it piled in the basement and never even look at them. So I have THAT to consider as well.
So right now I am wallowing in disappointment not only due to the fact if I want to continue to DO photography I will need to buy a new camera, Or do I even want to due to the fact it seems kinda pointless since I don't do anything with the photos.
I've gone round and round on this for a couple years, do I??... Don't I??
I guess if I was taking more photos the decision would be easier,,, But then again if I wasn't fighting with a piece of crap it may be more enjoyable and I would shoot more.
God, you can go crazy thinking about all this.. (from what movie?)
So I am going to put all this on the back burner for a while. There is no way I am going to spend $3,000.oo for a new DSLR so I will need to downgrade to a 5100 which is about $800.oo.
But I would like to buy a slide scanner first to scan all my old slides and negs so that I will have digital files of everything and NOT have 8 boxes of photos in the basement. .
So that will be first and when I am done with that and get it sold on Ebay.....
Then I will consider a New DSLR. Maybe..... still not sure...
I just don't know.... But I think my intense procrastination is a dead give a way on what the answer is.

The Copyright Nazi!!!

2011-10-05T22:38:00.000-06:00

I do not like to be the copyright Police. I personally feel that if you are too stupid to read the copyright rules than you should be held accountable.
I have people tell me everyday that they don't need a copyright because they bought the DVD.. Well.. I don't have the right to copy my porn!! Why do you think that just because you bought the DVD you can do whatever with it.... !!!!!
There are soo many new "So Called" professional photographers (mom's with cameras) out there that don't know anything about letting their "clients" know about copyrights. They don't even know about them. They just say "Ya,, just take them to Costco and print them"
An this is where the problem lies..
1. Mom's with cameras doing the pro photographer on the side don't research the federal laws concerning copyrights.
2.. Customers of said Mom's with cameras don't know that when they come into Costco and click through the copyright notice on the kiosk (or on line) when they order their prints that they are not going to get them without a "COPYRIGHT RELEASE" It states clearly on the screen that if your images where taken by a professional (mom with camera) your are REQUIRED to provide COSTCO with a copyright released signed by the photographer and you the customer.
It's right there!!
In PRINT!!
But no one wants to read the print that is in front of their faces.. They just click click click to get what they want and then bitch like hell when you say .....
"WHOA THERE" I"ll be needing a Copyright release there little Missy!!
BUT i BOUGHT THE DVD
SHE TOLD ME THAT I DON'T NEED ONE
MY FRIEND TOOK THEM (obviously Cetrone or lifetouch)
What the "common" member doesn't understand is that we have heard it all.
All the lies...
All the excuses..
All the bull shit!!
We deal with this all day everyday and we know who shoots what style and who gives releases and who doesn't..
Your story is nothing new. Nothing original.
The constant whining and excuses doesn't change the FACT the the copyright law is FEDERAL not Costco. And you will not get your pictures without a release from the photographer.
PERIOD!!!.....

NO PRINTS FOR YOU!!!!