Mom

Mom was rushed to the Hospital on January 8th.  I didn't know for a couple of hours because Tammy refused to call me.  When I got there The Dr. said that she has a bleeding stroke on the left side of her brain in front about the size of a golf ball.  She was admitted to the ER and we were told at that time that this kind of stroke is untreatable.  Mom was conscious when admitted and she was scared to be there.  I think that she knew then that she would never leave. (I found out later that she tried to hide from Tami and she didn't want to go to the hospital. She ate some lunch and then made her bed before she would allow Tami to take her.)  I stayed until 9 and then went home.  I stopped by the next morning before work to see her and she was still alert.  She would not cooperate with the Dr's in any way and only looked at me when they came in.  She couldn't follow any of the directions that the Dr. would give.  I could tell by the look in her eyes that she didn't have the fight left in her to recover from this.  She couldn't talk or move when directed.  She was unable to control her swallowing even at this point so they were unable to feed her or allow her anything to drink.  They had a 24hr watch on her because in the night she tried to get out of bed and she ripped off her monitoring wires. 
We were told at this time that her recovery would be hard.  That she may never be able to go home again and that she would have to live in a facility that could handle her needs.
I was at work Tuesday when the nurse called me to say that Mom had a severe seizure and that it didn't look good.  I went to the hospital.  Mom was not awake, They said that she was sleeping from all the anti seizure medication, Monday was the last time I was able to look into her eyes. I held her hand on Tuesday and she squeezed back so hard it turned my fingers purple.  At this point she was still there, inside her head and knowing that I was there but unable to open her eyes.   That evening Tami later told me that Mom was in a lot of pain and couldn't lay still.  She was scared and conscious when Tami was there overnight. By the time I got there Wed at 9am she was  sleeping.. The nurse in charge said that when she gave her a bath in the morning she was alert and smiled at her.. That is the last time she interacted with anyone.. The last time she smiled or looked someone in the eye..  When the Dr. came in and examined her he ordered another CAT scan.  The results showed that she suffered another spontaneous bleed on the right side of her brain.  The side that controls everything that we do as for as motor skills. And this one was massive.  The Dr. Called for a family meeting, Traci was flying in from Missouri that night and a meeting was scheduled for the following day.  I asked him once again about a feeding tube but he said that since she is aspirating on just her stomach fluids that she wouldn't be able to handle the feeding tube. Tracy got to the hospital right at 7pm.  Right at change of shift for the nurses, you see they don't allow visitors from 7 to 9.  I knew when they allowed us to stay in her room and brought us a comfort cart that they already knew what we would find out at the meeting.
Thursday we all gathered in the meeting room in front of the team of Dr's, nurses and a social worker. We were told that her bleeds were massive and that she could not survive this.  As Moms Advanced directive stated, and her personal physician attested to.... Mom did not want to be kept alive with artificial means if it was just going to prolong her comatose state. After many tears it was decided to go ahead with Comfort Care.  The Hemorrhagic Strokes took away all of her abilities to function, Her Best case scenario would have been that she would be on a feeding tube, in a coma,... Not able to function in the most basic way. We all knew, including her physician that Mom did not want that.
As soon as a Comfort Care room was available she was moved upstairs.  The rooms were more comfortable. At this point Mom has been there for 5 days. On this Thursday we all spent the night in her room. 
Friday I went home and got cleaned up and later went back and stayed until Tami took over the night shift.  There was no real changes in Mom that day. 
Saturday we had them do another CAT scan to see if there was anymore damage.  The results were the same.  We still have to wait.  Wait and watch her take each gasping breath. 
Sunday was a bad day for Mom, We thought that it would be the day, There were so many changes in her skin and her breaths we thought for sure.  It is a cruel brain that takes away all the things worth living for, all the things that we do, say, touch, feel and all our emotions.  While the lower part of our brains, the part most protected continues on,  forcing the slow death that happens with no sustenance, only morphine.  How strong it is..  in this case too strong.  Watching Mom slowing waste away in front of us is burned into my mind.  The one thing she wanted to avoid at all costs.  She had it planned that she would go out quick, but with weak veins from years of smoking and high blood pressure, she didn't count on this... 

Subarachnoid Hemorrhage:  A subarachnoid hemorrhage is bleeding into the space (subarachnoid space) between the inner layer (pia mater) and middle layer (arachnoid mater) of the tissue covering the brain (meninges).  These occur more often in women than men and most are fatal.  And with the outer brain dying, the part of the brain that make you,, well,, You.  All that is left is the very strong and stubborn Brain stem.  This is what is stopping her from finding peace. 

Monday.. She rallied.. Her breaths were stronger her pulse strong,  We needed to now plan on moving her to a Hospice house.  I spent most of Tuesday with a migraine, I went up later in the day.  Wednesday I was trying to get the banking and credit card cancelling done.  I found out that my name was only on Mom checking account and not her other accounts so I had to use my power of attorney to transfer that money to her checking before she passed away or we would have to go into probate court to get to it.   I cant remember which day that the Dr came in and showed us the CAT scan of Moms brain.  The damage was massive, the bleed on the left was small and if that was the only one she could have suffered this, the one on the right covered more that 3/4 of her brain, and there was blood pooling the the spinal area, This was the one that was not survivable..  After seeing this we had more understanding of what was going on.  
Wednesday evening Tracy and I were sitting with mom.  Her on one side of the room and me on the other.  I am sitting right by Mom...  All at once I felt cold on only the left side of my body.  I stood up looking for a draft but soon realized that there was no draft only one spot in the entire room that felt this way.  Standing right next to Mom.  It was colder than a draft cold, Cold like dry ice cold.  But not in a scary way.  I cant be sure on who it was.. Only that it was someone there.  Standing by Mom.  The next day Tami told us that she was hearing funny noises at the apartment, sounds she had never heard before, we realized that those sounds were at the same time that I felt the coldness. So Maybe it was Mom, looking at herself and then realizing that she couldn't go home.  Or my Brother coming to take her across.  Whichever way it was...  It was there that night.

On Thursday I finished up with all the banking stuff and I found the nicest man to help us sign over the Mineral rights documents,  We were also getting the paperwork done to take Mom to hospice care,  Plans were made to make sure Tami was covered for the next couple months until she could work out a plan.  Moms breathing was relaxed and her pulse still strong.

Friday...  The moving day.  We were all kinda edgy,  I was more emotional than I usually am.  Staring a lot,  I took the time to look at Moms hands and her feet, they were now cold when yesterday they were sweaty,  I couldn't be in the room when the hospice people came in to hook her up to their machines for the trip. The plan was to move her around 930am, we were still waiting for the ambulance at 1030..  

I was sitting on the couch in the room, Tracy sitting beside Mom..

I was listening to mom breathe, it was quiet and more relaxed with a little gurgle to it.  The last thing any of us wanted was to have to move her.  But Medicare requires an exit plan if they are to pay the hospital bills. It was cold out but the sun was shining.  

Mom generally never when out when it was this cold.

at 1040 Tracy and I heard her take her last breath..  A slow quiet breath, a weaker one and silence..

I took her hand and wished her safe travels, you are finally free.  You are at peace.  

I went into the hallway and got the attention of the nurse and she along with 4 others came in to verify time of death. 

Mom didn't like going out in this kind of weather.  There was no way she was going out that day.

The funny thing is I didn't want to be there when she passed away, but I was,, and in a way I am glad that I was.  Tami wanted to be there and was relieved that she wasn't..  

I think that Mom knew that too.  

And waited for the right moment.

On a side note, the gal from the Hospice house later told us that around the time of Moms passing,, 

her friend had her baby early than expected.

It's the way of the universe