When I got there today there was no new changes, I was there in time to talk with the Dr. about how she is progressing. There has been no change really. She doesn't show "the signs" of going soon. We ordered another CT scan mostly for our benefit so that we could try to plan something... Anything..
The nurse told us that the CT scan was no different than the one taken on the 12th. That it may be weeks before she lets go.. My sister Tracy was with me and both of our hearts just sank.. We don't want Mom to suffer like this.. She planned very carefully NOT to have this but here she is. She is cursed with bad veins and a strong heart.
I am usually pretty good at blocking things out but watching my Mom slowly die with each gasp of air is excruciating. I watch everyday as her skin tone changes, her skin feels different, They bathe her everyday but he Mom smell is gone replaced by pre death.. It is not fair to my mom at all that God will not let her have a dignified death. I am mad and sad and tortured, just like Mom is as she lies there. She is in all reality a vegetable at this point with really strong organs. We talk to her and tell her that we love her and we will be ok, It's ok for her to let go. It's an awful feeling hoping that your Mom will pass on soon. The guilt is overwhelming. But I want it for her as much as for us.
As they tell us now it may be weeks, or tomorrow we now need to plan in a different direction... Hospice Care.. She cant stay there, well she can but maybe hospice care would be better.
We are going to set up a meeting with the social worker on Monday to discuss the options. I was thinking about trying to go back to work then but it looks like it may not work out.
My oldest sister Tracy is carrying most of the load, I feel bad that I cant do more than I can and she says she understands. She is good at dealing with Tammy something that I am not, she is finally coming to terms that Mom isn't going to wake up and has started to help with the funeral arraignments and is going through all moms paperwork to find the important parts. Dealing with her intense emotions and trying to deal with our own grief has been a nightmare.
A lot of thoughts and emotions are surging through me, mostly I don't understand this kind of pain. I felt sad and emotional when my Dad died and when my Brother died it was worse, but nothing really prepares you for when you Mom is dying in front of you and you cant do anything but watch and hope that she can still feel your touch and hear your words. They tell us that hearing is the last thing to go. We don't get any responses when we touch her, we haven't for a couple of days now. This kind of thing just rips up your soul.
Today I cried a lot.... more than I usually allow myself. I try to be strong and deal with it but I have been going through all the pictures that I have of my Mom and making a couple of collages for the service and making a card design. It's been really difficult.
3 Said WhAT!!:
My thoughts and prayers goes out to you.
This sounds like how my grandmother passed. She wasn't conscious for the last days of her life.
Listen to the nurses. They do have a good sense of what's happening, and what she's going through as well. We found that their insights were a great help to us.
One nurse in particular told my mom that she needed to let her mother know it was ok to go. This after about three days of no change (good or bad). Fifteen minutes after we left Mom to tell her that, she died. It's good that you've done the same. Maybe Tammie needs to do it too...?
Continuing the prayers for all of you...
Thank you..
Tammy has.. we have talked to her about it.
the nurses have been great.
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