Thanks to all of you for commenting and giving love and hugs during this hard time with my mother passing away.
I didn't always comment back but I wanted all of you to know that I appreciate all the wishes and hugs.
It meant a lot.
This was by far the most difficult event that I have ever experienced.
I didn't want to be there day after day watching my Mom slowly pass away. But there is no where else I wanted or could be besides there.
Even though I tried to be the strongest one, I broke too under all the pressure.
And now that days are passing one after the other I find the pain is easing but will never be gone.
Life does in deed go on. The disaster in our lives was but a ripple in the ocean for the world.
We got Mom's taxes done today and now just a few little bills to go and then the hospital bills.
I am still looking for the perfect memory box to put all my Mom's collectibles and memories in. I checked out some antique stores today with little luck. I did find a full sized cedar chest for $160.00, It was in pretty good shape but it was bigger than I had hoped for. I am looking for something 1/2 that size but if I can't find anything else it might have to do. I would like to find a vintage/antique wooden box, not a new one to store these precious things. Putting them in a new shiny storage thing would just be wrong some how.
2.02.2012
i MUST SAY
I make some rockin Chili!!
I started some last night in the crock pock before going to bed and tasted it this morning before packaging it up..
It simmered all night long,
As I tasted it I could taste the spices blended perfectly and about 4-5 seconds after tasting.....
AFTER BURN!!
Perfection!!
here is my recipe. (adapted from Jasmines recipe)
1 lb super lean hamburger
1 med sweet onion chopped
3 green peppers chopped.. ( I have used red, orange, green, whatever floats your boat)
4 minced, chopped or sliced garlic cloves
3-4 table spoons of chili powder 3000 from Penzys spice ( or to taste)
1 table spoon of crushed parsley
about 1/4 cup of Jalapenos from the jar, the super hot kind.
Sometimes I add red pepper flakes too. ( I didn't this time though)
salt to taste
about 2 tablespoons of black pepper or a mix of black and white... More if needed.
1 tsp oregano ( i don't always use it, this time I didn't)
1 can Dark red kidney beans ((drained and rinsed on all beans))
1 can white kidney beans
2 cans black beans
about 3 large cans of tomato sauce... I have a big crock pot..
1-2 cans of fire roasted dice tomato (sometimes I like to make it with more tomato)
In a big pan I chop the onion to cook until they just start getting translucent. and then I add the hamburger and brown the shit out of it. NOT to burnt, just to get the fat out.
Add everything to Crock Pot and I like to let mine simmer on low for about 10 hours.
YUMMY!!!
I started some last night in the crock pock before going to bed and tasted it this morning before packaging it up..
It simmered all night long,
As I tasted it I could taste the spices blended perfectly and about 4-5 seconds after tasting.....
AFTER BURN!!
Perfection!!
here is my recipe. (adapted from Jasmines recipe)
1 lb super lean hamburger
1 med sweet onion chopped
3 green peppers chopped.. ( I have used red, orange, green, whatever floats your boat)
4 minced, chopped or sliced garlic cloves
3-4 table spoons of chili powder 3000 from Penzys spice ( or to taste)
1 table spoon of crushed parsley
about 1/4 cup of Jalapenos from the jar, the super hot kind.
Sometimes I add red pepper flakes too. ( I didn't this time though)
salt to taste
about 2 tablespoons of black pepper or a mix of black and white... More if needed.
1 tsp oregano ( i don't always use it, this time I didn't)
1 can Dark red kidney beans ((drained and rinsed on all beans))
1 can white kidney beans
2 cans black beans
about 3 large cans of tomato sauce... I have a big crock pot..
1-2 cans of fire roasted dice tomato (sometimes I like to make it with more tomato)
In a big pan I chop the onion to cook until they just start getting translucent. and then I add the hamburger and brown the shit out of it. NOT to burnt, just to get the fat out.
Add everything to Crock Pot and I like to let mine simmer on low for about 10 hours.
YUMMY!!!
2.01.2012
1.30.2012
coulda woulda shoulda
My mind is full of things that can never be. The coulda woulda shouldas have moved in making me think of things that I should have done, what would have happened if we did this instead, Should we have made other choices.
Truth is,,,,,
I cant change anything that I have done or didn't do. I have to know in my heart that Mom knew that I loved her and I know that she loved me. We both understood the circumstances of her life and we worked around them so that she would be the most comfortable.
As far as second guessing Moms final days. I suppose everyone goes through this. What would have happened if we did this instead or that or something else.
Truth is,,,,
There is nothing different that could be done. The tests, the facts, the Dr's, many Dr's reading and rereading the results of test after test. Moms body wouldn't have been able to handle any kind of feeding tube. Everything in her stomach was ending up in her lungs. The CAT scan of her brain and all the damage mostly to the right side and the way that the blood killed the brain cells.
But those nagging questions remain in my head.
Mostly because I wanted a different outcome.
Mostly because I really wasn't ready for Mom to leave us.
But I know the truth and eventually the coulda woulda shouldas will pass.
It's just another phase that I have to go through.
Doesn't make it easier, but I know all the second guessing doesn't change the facts.
Truth is,,,,,
I cant change anything that I have done or didn't do. I have to know in my heart that Mom knew that I loved her and I know that she loved me. We both understood the circumstances of her life and we worked around them so that she would be the most comfortable.
As far as second guessing Moms final days. I suppose everyone goes through this. What would have happened if we did this instead or that or something else.
Truth is,,,,
There is nothing different that could be done. The tests, the facts, the Dr's, many Dr's reading and rereading the results of test after test. Moms body wouldn't have been able to handle any kind of feeding tube. Everything in her stomach was ending up in her lungs. The CAT scan of her brain and all the damage mostly to the right side and the way that the blood killed the brain cells.
But those nagging questions remain in my head.
Mostly because I wanted a different outcome.
Mostly because I really wasn't ready for Mom to leave us.
But I know the truth and eventually the coulda woulda shouldas will pass.
It's just another phase that I have to go through.
Doesn't make it easier, but I know all the second guessing doesn't change the facts.
I need an assistant
For some reason I have been really good at writing down on sticky notes what I need to do....
The problem is I fail in the execution....
Even when the list is in front of me.....
The problem is I fail in the execution....
Even when the list is in front of me.....
1.28.2012
Mom
Mom was rushed to the Hospital on January 8th. I didn't know for a couple of hours because Tammy refused to call me. When I got there The Dr. said that she has a bleeding stroke on the left side of her brain in front about the size of a golf ball. She was admitted to the ER and we were told at that time that this kind of stroke is untreatable. Mom was conscious when admitted and she was scared to be there. I think that she knew then that she would never leave. (I found out later that she tried to hide from Tami and she didn't want to go to the hospital. She ate some lunch and then made her bed before she would allow Tami to take her.) I stayed until 9 and then went home. I stopped by the next morning before work to see her and she was still alert. She would not cooperate with the Dr's in any way and only looked at me when they came in. She couldn't follow any of the directions that the Dr. would give. I could tell by the look in her eyes that she didn't have the fight left in her to recover from this. She couldn't talk or move when directed. She was unable to control her swallowing even at this point so they were unable to feed her or allow her anything to drink. They had a 24hr watch on her because in the night she tried to get out of bed and she ripped off her monitoring wires.
We were told at this time that her recovery would be hard. That she may never be able to go home again and that she would have to live in a facility that could handle her needs.
I was at work Tuesday when the nurse called me to say that Mom had a severe seizure and that it didn't look good. I went to the hospital. Mom was not awake, They said that she was sleeping from all the anti seizure medication, Monday was the last time I was able to look into her eyes. I held her hand on Tuesday and she squeezed back so hard it turned my fingers purple. At this point she was still there, inside her head and knowing that I was there but unable to open her eyes. That evening Tami later told me that Mom was in a lot of pain and couldn't lay still. She was scared and conscious when Tami was there overnight. By the time I got there Wed at 9am she was sleeping.. The nurse in charge said that when she gave her a bath in the morning she was alert and smiled at her.. That is the last time she interacted with anyone.. The last time she smiled or looked someone in the eye.. When the Dr. came in and examined her he ordered another CAT scan. The results showed that she suffered another spontaneous bleed on the right side of her brain. The side that controls everything that we do as for as motor skills. And this one was massive. The Dr. Called for a family meeting, Traci was flying in from Missouri that night and a meeting was scheduled for the following day. I asked him once again about a feeding tube but he said that since she is aspirating on just her stomach fluids that she wouldn't be able to handle the feeding tube. Tracy got to the hospital right at 7pm. Right at change of shift for the nurses, you see they don't allow visitors from 7 to 9. I knew when they allowed us to stay in her room and brought us a comfort cart that they already knew what we would find out at the meeting.
Thursday we all gathered in the meeting room in front of the team of Dr's, nurses and a social worker. We were told that her bleeds were massive and that she could not survive this. As Moms Advanced directive stated, and her personal physician attested to.... Mom did not want to be kept alive with artificial means if it was just going to prolong her comatose state. After many tears it was decided to go ahead with Comfort Care. The Hemorrhagic Strokes took away all of her abilities to function, Her Best case scenario would have been that she would be on a feeding tube, in a coma,... Not able to function in the most basic way. We all knew, including her physician that Mom did not want that.
As soon as a Comfort Care room was available she was moved upstairs. The rooms were more comfortable. At this point Mom has been there for 5 days. On this Thursday we all spent the night in her room.
Friday I went home and got cleaned up and later went back and stayed until Tami took over the night shift. There was no real changes in Mom that day.
Saturday we had them do another CAT scan to see if there was anymore damage. The results were the same. We still have to wait. Wait and watch her take each gasping breath.
Sunday was a bad day for Mom, We thought that it would be the day, There were so many changes in her skin and her breaths we thought for sure. It is a cruel brain that takes away all the things worth living for, all the things that we do, say, touch, feel and all our emotions. While the lower part of our brains, the part most protected continues on, forcing the slow death that happens with no sustenance, only morphine. How strong it is.. in this case too strong. Watching Mom slowing waste away in front of us is burned into my mind. The one thing she wanted to avoid at all costs. She had it planned that she would go out quick, but with weak veins from years of smoking and high blood pressure, she didn't count on this...
We were told at this time that her recovery would be hard. That she may never be able to go home again and that she would have to live in a facility that could handle her needs.
I was at work Tuesday when the nurse called me to say that Mom had a severe seizure and that it didn't look good. I went to the hospital. Mom was not awake, They said that she was sleeping from all the anti seizure medication, Monday was the last time I was able to look into her eyes. I held her hand on Tuesday and she squeezed back so hard it turned my fingers purple. At this point she was still there, inside her head and knowing that I was there but unable to open her eyes. That evening Tami later told me that Mom was in a lot of pain and couldn't lay still. She was scared and conscious when Tami was there overnight. By the time I got there Wed at 9am she was sleeping.. The nurse in charge said that when she gave her a bath in the morning she was alert and smiled at her.. That is the last time she interacted with anyone.. The last time she smiled or looked someone in the eye.. When the Dr. came in and examined her he ordered another CAT scan. The results showed that she suffered another spontaneous bleed on the right side of her brain. The side that controls everything that we do as for as motor skills. And this one was massive. The Dr. Called for a family meeting, Traci was flying in from Missouri that night and a meeting was scheduled for the following day. I asked him once again about a feeding tube but he said that since she is aspirating on just her stomach fluids that she wouldn't be able to handle the feeding tube. Tracy got to the hospital right at 7pm. Right at change of shift for the nurses, you see they don't allow visitors from 7 to 9. I knew when they allowed us to stay in her room and brought us a comfort cart that they already knew what we would find out at the meeting.
Thursday we all gathered in the meeting room in front of the team of Dr's, nurses and a social worker. We were told that her bleeds were massive and that she could not survive this. As Moms Advanced directive stated, and her personal physician attested to.... Mom did not want to be kept alive with artificial means if it was just going to prolong her comatose state. After many tears it was decided to go ahead with Comfort Care. The Hemorrhagic Strokes took away all of her abilities to function, Her Best case scenario would have been that she would be on a feeding tube, in a coma,... Not able to function in the most basic way. We all knew, including her physician that Mom did not want that.
As soon as a Comfort Care room was available she was moved upstairs. The rooms were more comfortable. At this point Mom has been there for 5 days. On this Thursday we all spent the night in her room.
Friday I went home and got cleaned up and later went back and stayed until Tami took over the night shift. There was no real changes in Mom that day.
Saturday we had them do another CAT scan to see if there was anymore damage. The results were the same. We still have to wait. Wait and watch her take each gasping breath.
Sunday was a bad day for Mom, We thought that it would be the day, There were so many changes in her skin and her breaths we thought for sure. It is a cruel brain that takes away all the things worth living for, all the things that we do, say, touch, feel and all our emotions. While the lower part of our brains, the part most protected continues on, forcing the slow death that happens with no sustenance, only morphine. How strong it is.. in this case too strong. Watching Mom slowing waste away in front of us is burned into my mind. The one thing she wanted to avoid at all costs. She had it planned that she would go out quick, but with weak veins from years of smoking and high blood pressure, she didn't count on this...
Subarachnoid Hemorrhage: A subarachnoid hemorrhage is bleeding into the space (subarachnoid space) between the inner layer (pia mater) and middle layer (arachnoid mater) of the tissue covering the brain (meninges). These occur more often in women than men and most are fatal. And with the outer brain dying, the part of the brain that make you,, well,, You. All that is left is the very strong and stubborn Brain stem. This is what is stopping her from finding peace.
Monday.. She rallied.. Her breaths were stronger her pulse strong, We needed to now plan on moving her to a Hospice house. I spent most of Tuesday with a migraine, I went up later in the day. Wednesday I was trying to get the banking and credit card cancelling done. I found out that my name was only on Mom checking account and not her other accounts so I had to use my power of attorney to transfer that money to her checking before she passed away or we would have to go into probate court to get to it. I cant remember which day that the Dr came in and showed us the CAT scan of Moms brain. The damage was massive, the bleed on the left was small and if that was the only one she could have suffered this, the one on the right covered more that 3/4 of her brain, and there was blood pooling the the spinal area, This was the one that was not survivable.. After seeing this we had more understanding of what was going on.
Wednesday evening Tracy and I were sitting with mom. Her on one side of the room and me on the other. I am sitting right by Mom... All at once I felt cold on only the left side of my body. I stood up looking for a draft but soon realized that there was no draft only one spot in the entire room that felt this way. Standing right next to Mom. It was colder than a draft cold, Cold like dry ice cold. But not in a scary way. I cant be sure on who it was.. Only that it was someone there. Standing by Mom. The next day Tami told us that she was hearing funny noises at the apartment, sounds she had never heard before, we realized that those sounds were at the same time that I felt the coldness. So Maybe it was Mom, looking at herself and then realizing that she couldn't go home. Or my Brother coming to take her across. Whichever way it was... It was there that night.
Wednesday evening Tracy and I were sitting with mom. Her on one side of the room and me on the other. I am sitting right by Mom... All at once I felt cold on only the left side of my body. I stood up looking for a draft but soon realized that there was no draft only one spot in the entire room that felt this way. Standing right next to Mom. It was colder than a draft cold, Cold like dry ice cold. But not in a scary way. I cant be sure on who it was.. Only that it was someone there. Standing by Mom. The next day Tami told us that she was hearing funny noises at the apartment, sounds she had never heard before, we realized that those sounds were at the same time that I felt the coldness. So Maybe it was Mom, looking at herself and then realizing that she couldn't go home. Or my Brother coming to take her across. Whichever way it was... It was there that night.
On Thursday I finished up with all the banking stuff and I found the nicest man to help us sign over the Mineral rights documents, We were also getting the paperwork done to take Mom to hospice care, Plans were made to make sure Tami was covered for the next couple months until she could work out a plan. Moms breathing was relaxed and her pulse still strong.
Friday... The moving day. We were all kinda edgy, I was more emotional than I usually am. Staring a lot, I took the time to look at Moms hands and her feet, they were now cold when yesterday they were sweaty, I couldn't be in the room when the hospice people came in to hook her up to their machines for the trip. The plan was to move her around 930am, we were still waiting for the ambulance at 1030..
I was sitting on the couch in the room, Tracy sitting beside Mom..
I was listening to mom breathe, it was quiet and more relaxed with a little gurgle to it. The last thing any of us wanted was to have to move her. But Medicare requires an exit plan if they are to pay the hospital bills. It was cold out but the sun was shining.
Mom generally never when out when it was this cold.
at 1040 Tracy and I heard her take her last breath.. A slow quiet breath, a weaker one and silence..
I took her hand and wished her safe travels, you are finally free. You are at peace.
I went into the hallway and got the attention of the nurse and she along with 4 others came in to verify time of death.
Mom didn't like going out in this kind of weather. There was no way she was going out that day.
The funny thing is I didn't want to be there when she passed away, but I was,, and in a way I am glad that I was. Tami wanted to be there and was relieved that she wasn't..
I think that Mom knew that too.
And waited for the right moment.
On a side note, the gal from the Hospice house later told us that around the time of Moms passing,,
her friend had her baby early than expected.
It's the way of the universe
I am hiding an addiction
I love cedar boxes. all sizes all kinds. I like to touch them and hold them and would like to collect them.
My collection is small and out of sight. Each one given to me by my Mom, my Grandma or ones I have picked up when I was a young girl, I have small amounts of keepsakes in each one.
I have been looking for a larger cedar keepsake box to keep all my collectables in. No easy feat these days when the market is filled with crap from china or super cheap looking storage boxes.
So I turned to eBay. I found a couple of vintage cedar chests about the size I have been looking for (about 20ish +" by 10ish +" by whatever) and even though some are worn and scratched they still have more personality than anything I have found new. (I do love antique wood boxes) If I knew someone who did woodworking I would see how much one cost to make but I think it will be way over my $100.00 budget. So I will take my chance on eBay I guess. I just wish more were the "buy now" option. I dont like the auction thing.
I also tried Craigs list with no luck. I found some lane mini cedar boxes on Etsy, plus I think I will go to red lodge to see if they have any there. Im not a good antique store person. I would rather do it all on line.
My collection is small and out of sight. Each one given to me by my Mom, my Grandma or ones I have picked up when I was a young girl, I have small amounts of keepsakes in each one.
I have been looking for a larger cedar keepsake box to keep all my collectables in. No easy feat these days when the market is filled with crap from china or super cheap looking storage boxes.
So I turned to eBay. I found a couple of vintage cedar chests about the size I have been looking for (about 20ish +" by 10ish +" by whatever) and even though some are worn and scratched they still have more personality than anything I have found new. (I do love antique wood boxes) If I knew someone who did woodworking I would see how much one cost to make but I think it will be way over my $100.00 budget. So I will take my chance on eBay I guess. I just wish more were the "buy now" option. I dont like the auction thing.
I also tried Craigs list with no luck. I found some lane mini cedar boxes on Etsy, plus I think I will go to red lodge to see if they have any there. Im not a good antique store person. I would rather do it all on line.
1.27.2012
On a lighter note
I never really realized how badly I was brushing my teeth until I got an electric toothbrush. I bought one shortly after I got a teeth cleaning and they still feel dentist smooth after more than a month. I should have bought one years ago. I hurts when I use it when I have a migraine but my teeth like it.
I updated my will my power of attorney and my end of life registration. Now I just need to take it work to get it all notarized.
I have to clean the bathroom but I really dont want to yet. I think it can wait.
I have lost my donation sheet from Goodwill for my taxes. I donated 1/4 of all my belongings when I moved. Now I have nothing to prove it. Bummer.
Things that I thought were important a month ago mean nothing now.
I bought a pair of flannel jammer pants with otters all over them but they are too short. Bummer #2
I have been looking for a cedar memory chest on line.. I haven't found anything that I like yet that isn't $400.00.. I thought it would be easier to find a well made cedar box that isn't the size of a foot locker or look like one. I guess not.
I updated my will my power of attorney and my end of life registration. Now I just need to take it work to get it all notarized.
I have to clean the bathroom but I really dont want to yet. I think it can wait.
I have lost my donation sheet from Goodwill for my taxes. I donated 1/4 of all my belongings when I moved. Now I have nothing to prove it. Bummer.
Things that I thought were important a month ago mean nothing now.
I bought a pair of flannel jammer pants with otters all over them but they are too short. Bummer #2
I have been looking for a cedar memory chest on line.. I haven't found anything that I like yet that isn't $400.00.. I thought it would be easier to find a well made cedar box that isn't the size of a foot locker or look like one. I guess not.
1.26.2012
I think Im exhausted now
Going through all of Moms things and shredding documents is emotionally exhausting.
Each hidden item found a memory brought up and tears shed.
Even though I tried to be super woman yesterday showing little emotion, it is certainly backfiring today. Kind of like holding up a tidal wave of water.
Im grumpy, sad, and cant talk on the phone without bursting into tears.
There is still things to be gone through, we cant seem to do too much at once. We are trying to get done as much as possible before Tracy leaves for Missouri. There will still be much to do after.
Last bills, Medical expenses, Taxes, Thank you cards and on and on..
Tammy is getting her shit together so that she can keep the apartment. Signing all the utilities into her name and figuring out her tax debt to uncle sam. Things that should have been done years ago, But now she HAS to. Some folks just aren't motivated to be self sufficient.
I just don't understand that.
In a couple of months all the bills will be paid and things will start to settle down.
Right now,,, feeling a little lost,, cant wrap my head around anything and great.... crying again.
Each hidden item found a memory brought up and tears shed.
Even though I tried to be super woman yesterday showing little emotion, it is certainly backfiring today. Kind of like holding up a tidal wave of water.
Im grumpy, sad, and cant talk on the phone without bursting into tears.
There is still things to be gone through, we cant seem to do too much at once. We are trying to get done as much as possible before Tracy leaves for Missouri. There will still be much to do after.
Last bills, Medical expenses, Taxes, Thank you cards and on and on..
Tammy is getting her shit together so that she can keep the apartment. Signing all the utilities into her name and figuring out her tax debt to uncle sam. Things that should have been done years ago, But now she HAS to. Some folks just aren't motivated to be self sufficient.
I just don't understand that.
In a couple of months all the bills will be paid and things will start to settle down.
Right now,,, feeling a little lost,, cant wrap my head around anything and great.... crying again.
1.25.2012
The service
It was a good service today. There was a good turnout and my Mom was and will be remembered well.
She had many of her old co-workers speak at the service, some neighbors. and of course the relatives.
the pastor did a great job with the mostly scattered thoughts of distraught daughters.
There was many who helped us out with money and support.
All will be thanked and hugged and loved.
I was however disappointed that my co-workers and Costco in general didn't care to send flowers (or a card) to the service but I have only worked there for 10 years so maybe they just didn't care enough.
But what ever right....
Sorry for the bitterness but seriously. It was embarrassing when people would ask why they didn't and I didn't have an answer.
such is the way of the universe I guess.
But mostly thanks to those who really cared and send their love and blessing at this most horrible time in our lives. People came out of the woodwork to send love and flowers and condolences,
Thank you to them... those with a heart of gold. And endless love to give.
She had many of her old co-workers speak at the service, some neighbors. and of course the relatives.
the pastor did a great job with the mostly scattered thoughts of distraught daughters.
There was many who helped us out with money and support.
All will be thanked and hugged and loved.
I was however disappointed that my co-workers and Costco in general didn't care to send flowers (or a card) to the service but I have only worked there for 10 years so maybe they just didn't care enough.
But what ever right....
Sorry for the bitterness but seriously. It was embarrassing when people would ask why they didn't and I didn't have an answer.
such is the way of the universe I guess.
But mostly thanks to those who really cared and send their love and blessing at this most horrible time in our lives. People came out of the woodwork to send love and flowers and condolences,
Thank you to them... those with a heart of gold. And endless love to give.
the universe
I learned a long time ago that that the universe is indifferent to us all. All the bad that happens and all the good is either our failures or our successes. We cannot control the world or the other people around us. We can only hope that we have control of our own lives.
We try to blame others on occasion when the truth is hard to swallow.
The main truth is that life goes on no matter what is happening in the whole world or our little world. The best we can do is to accept and to grow with each of our experiences.
The old saying... "What doesn't kill you make your stronger" is more true every day.
I know that today will be a hard day. Not as hard as the days prior to her passing but a different kind of hard. It's time to remember Mom for the delicate person that she was. And celebrate her life.
I am glad that she finally found peace after all those days of struggle.
After today there will be tomorrow and the next day and the next...
And the rest of the world and the universe will continue...........
and so will I
We try to blame others on occasion when the truth is hard to swallow.
The main truth is that life goes on no matter what is happening in the whole world or our little world. The best we can do is to accept and to grow with each of our experiences.
The old saying... "What doesn't kill you make your stronger" is more true every day.
I know that today will be a hard day. Not as hard as the days prior to her passing but a different kind of hard. It's time to remember Mom for the delicate person that she was. And celebrate her life.
I am glad that she finally found peace after all those days of struggle.
After today there will be tomorrow and the next day and the next...
And the rest of the world and the universe will continue...........
and so will I
1.24.2012
1.21.2012
I could use a little love around here
Its been a rough 14 Days. With the news of Mom going into the hospital on Jan 8th and her steady and heartbreaking decline in the days afterwards. There is no doubt in my mind that sitting with my Mom day after day watching her slowly and painfully slip away has been the hardest most emotional thing that I have ever experienced and I will never experience this kind of pain, emotion, grief, (name your emotion here), ever again in my lifetime. I am, to say the least an exhausted emotional wreck.
Ive never been one to lean on people for support, It's been hard even during this to be close to my sisters, But I was hoping that since I was in a long term relationship that I could count on some support from D. (and I do understand that some people are unable to give like that) (he never even came up to the hospital once)
Well, Besides being yelled at and avoided like the plague I've seen very little of D. He is either avoiding me or in Red Lodge. It was like pulling teeth yesterday just to get him to hold me (it felt more like he thought he HAD to, I got more emotional hugs from people I barely know at work today than he has given me) and even then it was like he wanted to just run away Which he did today. (up to red lodge) He hasn't even told me that he loves me in days. He hasn't held me tight with emotion, just a barely there hug and away he goes. So I am feeling a little void of support. Well a lot actually. I am sure that he is more than overjoyed that Mom's service will be Wed. of this next week. Now he can go back to wamsutter and not have to worry about my emotions or needing someone here, he can just pretend that I don't exist. (like he has done these past days) I'm sure if he really wanted to come to the service he would try to. But that is the last thing he would want to do. I know that for sure.
I feel mostly abandoned by and him and more than a little disappointed and angry that I spend most of all my days with him trying to make his life better. I always tried to make sure he always had what he needed, If he asked me to find something for him I would try, I went to many of his sons sporting events taking a bazillion photos and movies making pictures, blogs and collages and giving him those moments in his sons life in pictures that he would have missed otherwise, I've cooked him meals to take down to work so he wasn't starving and had good hot food to eat, I've cooked for him here, (even cooked for him last night after my Mom passed away) trying to make sure he had a happy belly and always made sure that he was happy in other ways too. Ive kept his house clean, his lawn watered and mowed, I check on his house in red lodge and clean it too, I even agreed to have the breast augmentation,,,
I have always put him first and I didn't mind that. I have always been there for him,, always...
But now when I need support and understanding and someone to be there for me he just isn't. Neither physically or emotionally. I just do not feel any love at all. Just resentment that I can't fulfill his needs. So when I'm tired and get a little mad and emotional that he always seems to take the food I just bought to red lodge with him, He yells at me. He doesn't let me know that he did so that I can pick more stuff up at the store, I just get here to find that it isn't there anymore. So ya. I am miffed thinking that I could concentrate on other things and my carefully constructed plan for the week is moved.
So I am knocked off balance
I am tired and emotional and my Mom just died yesterday.
This has been the one single thing in my life that has totally devastated me, and the one person who I thought would be there for me isn't at all. (he seems to think I should be over it by now)
So ya, I'm sorry that I get miffed when someone moves my cheese when I am doing everything that I can to keep myself from breaking down completely and add feeling abandoned on top of that with no emotional support it feels.............
awful............. like nothing that I am going through means anything to him
It's like I am a total....
bother..
it's ... unforgivable............
Ive never been one to lean on people for support, It's been hard even during this to be close to my sisters, But I was hoping that since I was in a long term relationship that I could count on some support from D. (and I do understand that some people are unable to give like that) (he never even came up to the hospital once)
Well, Besides being yelled at and avoided like the plague I've seen very little of D. He is either avoiding me or in Red Lodge. It was like pulling teeth yesterday just to get him to hold me (it felt more like he thought he HAD to, I got more emotional hugs from people I barely know at work today than he has given me) and even then it was like he wanted to just run away Which he did today. (up to red lodge) He hasn't even told me that he loves me in days. He hasn't held me tight with emotion, just a barely there hug and away he goes. So I am feeling a little void of support. Well a lot actually. I am sure that he is more than overjoyed that Mom's service will be Wed. of this next week. Now he can go back to wamsutter and not have to worry about my emotions or needing someone here, he can just pretend that I don't exist. (like he has done these past days) I'm sure if he really wanted to come to the service he would try to. But that is the last thing he would want to do. I know that for sure.
I feel mostly abandoned by and him and more than a little disappointed and angry that I spend most of all my days with him trying to make his life better. I always tried to make sure he always had what he needed, If he asked me to find something for him I would try, I went to many of his sons sporting events taking a bazillion photos and movies making pictures, blogs and collages and giving him those moments in his sons life in pictures that he would have missed otherwise, I've cooked him meals to take down to work so he wasn't starving and had good hot food to eat, I've cooked for him here, (even cooked for him last night after my Mom passed away) trying to make sure he had a happy belly and always made sure that he was happy in other ways too. Ive kept his house clean, his lawn watered and mowed, I check on his house in red lodge and clean it too, I even agreed to have the breast augmentation,,,
I have always put him first and I didn't mind that. I have always been there for him,, always...
But now when I need support and understanding and someone to be there for me he just isn't. Neither physically or emotionally. I just do not feel any love at all. Just resentment that I can't fulfill his needs. So when I'm tired and get a little mad and emotional that he always seems to take the food I just bought to red lodge with him, He yells at me. He doesn't let me know that he did so that I can pick more stuff up at the store, I just get here to find that it isn't there anymore. So ya. I am miffed thinking that I could concentrate on other things and my carefully constructed plan for the week is moved.
So I am knocked off balance
I am tired and emotional and my Mom just died yesterday.
This has been the one single thing in my life that has totally devastated me, and the one person who I thought would be there for me isn't at all. (he seems to think I should be over it by now)
So ya, I'm sorry that I get miffed when someone moves my cheese when I am doing everything that I can to keep myself from breaking down completely and add feeling abandoned on top of that with no emotional support it feels.............
awful............. like nothing that I am going through means anything to him
It's like I am a total....
bother..
it's ... unforgivable............
1.20.2012
1.19.2012
Tomorrow
Tomorrow we move Mom into a Hospice. I still hope that it doesn't come to that. There is still hope that she may find peace in the night.
Praying for my Mom to find peace tonight.
Praying for my Mom to find peace tonight.
nothing to report
My mom is still hanging in there. I don't even know how long she can go on like this.
days,, weeks,,,
God seems to be very cruel in things like this.
days,, weeks,,,
God seems to be very cruel in things like this.
1.16.2012
or not
yesterday was dire, today not so much. today her vitals were strong and once again the dr's tell us it could be weeks. They told us that this happens.. good days bad days super bad days.
I have given up trying to judge, there is no way to know, whatever the experience a person has.
No one really knows.
I cant watch my mom die for weeks. it's too much for me to handle.
I'm only as strong as I am and today showed me my limits.
They say that they have someone that can sit with her all day.. I may have to do that.
I don't know how people do this
and I thought that I was strong... I'm just not
I have given up trying to judge, there is no way to know, whatever the experience a person has.
No one really knows.
I cant watch my mom die for weeks. it's too much for me to handle.
I'm only as strong as I am and today showed me my limits.
They say that they have someone that can sit with her all day.. I may have to do that.
I don't know how people do this
and I thought that I was strong... I'm just not
1.15.2012
It's starting
I can see the changes in mom every day. Today we could see changes by the hour. We talked to the Dr. again and she actually showed us the scan of her brain and the damage to it. The bleeds are massive when you look at them. There is also blood that has pooled in the brain stem. If you were looking at the brain picture on the left side kinda on the top of her head a spot the size of a golf ball maybe a little bigger. That was the first one. The second one is on the right side of her brain on the side above the ear that covers more than 1/2 of that brain hemisphere. When you are looking at the facts on the screen everything comes clear. As the Dr. was talking I wonder if mom was listening because it was after that visit when she started to decline. There has been no urine output today at all. She has been in a large amount of discomfort so her morphine has been increased every 1/2 hour. When her breathing is labored or when her blood pressure is super high it's upped again. Since around 5pm her skin has changed and has a stronger odor and her extremities are starting to show mottling and her toes and fingernails are turning . This all means that her body is starting to shut down. Both my sisters plan on spending the night up there. They will call me when or if something happens.
We have the best nurse up there.. Where the Drs. seem to tell us it could be days or weeks She says it wont be that long, she is so open and honest about everything. She sees this sort of thing everyday and tells us what she knows by her experiences. She told us tonight that it will be within the next couple of days, if not tonight. By the way her body and face look and how often they have to up the morphine to make her comfortable it's only a matter of time. And I believe her by the way mom has been changing in the last couple of hours. I do feel bad leaving but after 10+ hours watching her I needed to rest and clear my head. This doesn't make me a bad person because I didn't stay even after what the nurse said.... I didn't leave her alone she is with my sisters, sometimes when dealing with this sort of thing a person needs to rest. It is all very hard on all of us but mostly Mom, she would have never wanted to linger on like this and to use drastic measures to to bring her up to living on feeding tubes and respirators for the rest of her life was unacceptable to her, she made sure that not only we were aware of her wishes but her regular physician as well.. She did not want to live out her days being force feed in a nursing home where she couldn't talk, move or respond in any way. What a horror that would be.
I only wish her peace and comfort and to know that we all love her very much and will miss her and it's ok to relax and let go.
Be at peace mom.. We love you
We have the best nurse up there.. Where the Drs. seem to tell us it could be days or weeks She says it wont be that long, she is so open and honest about everything. She sees this sort of thing everyday and tells us what she knows by her experiences. She told us tonight that it will be within the next couple of days, if not tonight. By the way her body and face look and how often they have to up the morphine to make her comfortable it's only a matter of time. And I believe her by the way mom has been changing in the last couple of hours. I do feel bad leaving but after 10+ hours watching her I needed to rest and clear my head. This doesn't make me a bad person because I didn't stay even after what the nurse said.... I didn't leave her alone she is with my sisters, sometimes when dealing with this sort of thing a person needs to rest. It is all very hard on all of us but mostly Mom, she would have never wanted to linger on like this and to use drastic measures to to bring her up to living on feeding tubes and respirators for the rest of her life was unacceptable to her, she made sure that not only we were aware of her wishes but her regular physician as well.. She did not want to live out her days being force feed in a nursing home where she couldn't talk, move or respond in any way. What a horror that would be.
I only wish her peace and comfort and to know that we all love her very much and will miss her and it's ok to relax and let go.
Be at peace mom.. We love you
1.14.2012
The Cat Scan
When I got there today there was no new changes, I was there in time to talk with the Dr. about how she is progressing. There has been no change really. She doesn't show "the signs" of going soon. We ordered another CT scan mostly for our benefit so that we could try to plan something... Anything..
The nurse told us that the CT scan was no different than the one taken on the 12th. That it may be weeks before she lets go.. My sister Tracy was with me and both of our hearts just sank.. We don't want Mom to suffer like this.. She planned very carefully NOT to have this but here she is. She is cursed with bad veins and a strong heart.
I am usually pretty good at blocking things out but watching my Mom slowly die with each gasp of air is excruciating. I watch everyday as her skin tone changes, her skin feels different, They bathe her everyday but he Mom smell is gone replaced by pre death.. It is not fair to my mom at all that God will not let her have a dignified death. I am mad and sad and tortured, just like Mom is as she lies there. She is in all reality a vegetable at this point with really strong organs. We talk to her and tell her that we love her and we will be ok, It's ok for her to let go. It's an awful feeling hoping that your Mom will pass on soon. The guilt is overwhelming. But I want it for her as much as for us.
As they tell us now it may be weeks, or tomorrow we now need to plan in a different direction... Hospice Care.. She cant stay there, well she can but maybe hospice care would be better.
We are going to set up a meeting with the social worker on Monday to discuss the options. I was thinking about trying to go back to work then but it looks like it may not work out.
My oldest sister Tracy is carrying most of the load, I feel bad that I cant do more than I can and she says she understands. She is good at dealing with Tammy something that I am not, she is finally coming to terms that Mom isn't going to wake up and has started to help with the funeral arraignments and is going through all moms paperwork to find the important parts. Dealing with her intense emotions and trying to deal with our own grief has been a nightmare.
A lot of thoughts and emotions are surging through me, mostly I don't understand this kind of pain. I felt sad and emotional when my Dad died and when my Brother died it was worse, but nothing really prepares you for when you Mom is dying in front of you and you cant do anything but watch and hope that she can still feel your touch and hear your words. They tell us that hearing is the last thing to go. We don't get any responses when we touch her, we haven't for a couple of days now. This kind of thing just rips up your soul.
Today I cried a lot.... more than I usually allow myself. I try to be strong and deal with it but I have been going through all the pictures that I have of my Mom and making a couple of collages for the service and making a card design. It's been really difficult.
The nurse told us that the CT scan was no different than the one taken on the 12th. That it may be weeks before she lets go.. My sister Tracy was with me and both of our hearts just sank.. We don't want Mom to suffer like this.. She planned very carefully NOT to have this but here she is. She is cursed with bad veins and a strong heart.
I am usually pretty good at blocking things out but watching my Mom slowly die with each gasp of air is excruciating. I watch everyday as her skin tone changes, her skin feels different, They bathe her everyday but he Mom smell is gone replaced by pre death.. It is not fair to my mom at all that God will not let her have a dignified death. I am mad and sad and tortured, just like Mom is as she lies there. She is in all reality a vegetable at this point with really strong organs. We talk to her and tell her that we love her and we will be ok, It's ok for her to let go. It's an awful feeling hoping that your Mom will pass on soon. The guilt is overwhelming. But I want it for her as much as for us.
As they tell us now it may be weeks, or tomorrow we now need to plan in a different direction... Hospice Care.. She cant stay there, well she can but maybe hospice care would be better.
We are going to set up a meeting with the social worker on Monday to discuss the options. I was thinking about trying to go back to work then but it looks like it may not work out.
My oldest sister Tracy is carrying most of the load, I feel bad that I cant do more than I can and she says she understands. She is good at dealing with Tammy something that I am not, she is finally coming to terms that Mom isn't going to wake up and has started to help with the funeral arraignments and is going through all moms paperwork to find the important parts. Dealing with her intense emotions and trying to deal with our own grief has been a nightmare.
A lot of thoughts and emotions are surging through me, mostly I don't understand this kind of pain. I felt sad and emotional when my Dad died and when my Brother died it was worse, but nothing really prepares you for when you Mom is dying in front of you and you cant do anything but watch and hope that she can still feel your touch and hear your words. They tell us that hearing is the last thing to go. We don't get any responses when we touch her, we haven't for a couple of days now. This kind of thing just rips up your soul.
Today I cried a lot.... more than I usually allow myself. I try to be strong and deal with it but I have been going through all the pictures that I have of my Mom and making a couple of collages for the service and making a card design. It's been really difficult.
1.13.2012
update
I came home to work on some photos for the service.
Mom is still holding in there, we took the oxygen off today, not much was getting to her anyway and she is more comfortable without it on.
We were told by the nurse that it didn't look like she would pass today or tomorrow. She sees this type of thing everyday and really does know the signs. Tammy will spend the night up there and Tracy will go home and go through more of Moms papers, I am doing the pictures and ceremony stuff.
Today we called credit cards for balances, insurance companies, the place Mom did her burial stuff.
We have more on the list but can't start until she passes.
Sitting there watching her die is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Watching the day to day changes in her face and skin and the way she feels..
Today me and Tracy were telling her how much we loved her and it was ok to move on. That we would be ok.
this is just really
hard...............................
Mom is still holding in there, we took the oxygen off today, not much was getting to her anyway and she is more comfortable without it on.
We were told by the nurse that it didn't look like she would pass today or tomorrow. She sees this type of thing everyday and really does know the signs. Tammy will spend the night up there and Tracy will go home and go through more of Moms papers, I am doing the pictures and ceremony stuff.
Today we called credit cards for balances, insurance companies, the place Mom did her burial stuff.
We have more on the list but can't start until she passes.
Sitting there watching her die is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Watching the day to day changes in her face and skin and the way she feels..
Today me and Tracy were telling her how much we loved her and it was ok to move on. That we would be ok.
this is just really
hard...............................
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)